'AITA for flipping out on my BF for going on a couples retreat without me?'
When this woman is concerned that her BF is being WEIRD about a couples retreat, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for flipping out on BF after he went on a couples retreat without me?'
I'm 29f. My BF is 30m. I have 2 kids that are not his biologically and we have been together 4 years.
Last week his buddy invited him and I to go on a 4 day couples retreat with him, his wife and his other friend and his GF. Apparently there is couples massages, romantic dinners, etc. We were due to leave today. My BF mentioned it to me so I started looking around for babysitters.
Unfortunately I was not able to find a sitter. Their dad hardly ever takes them and their grandmother is just as much of a deadbeat and only sees the kids to post photos on FB and act like grandmother of the year.
Normally when we make plans he will reach out to his mom or SIL because they are the only people in our area. He didn't do that, so I called them yesterday to see if they would but obviously they couldn't. I figured I since I could not go, he would not go on the couples retreat.
I wake up this morning at 5am to him packing. I asked him what he was doing and he said 'Uhm, packing? I need to leave here by 7am to meet up with George.'
So I asked him why he still intended to go on a couples retreat when his partner couldn't even go and I asked him if he had even wanted me to go since he didn't bother helping me look for a sitter originally anyways and he said 'if you wanted to go, you would have found a sitter. I don't have time for this.'
This really bothered me a great deal. He kissed my forehead and left. 15 minutes ago I get a text from him which included pictures of his suite that had flower petals, champagne, even a heart shape bed. I texted back and said 'Have a good time.'
He took this as an attack and said 'Don't be clipped with me. It's not my fault you didn't find a sitter.' So I responded with 'I wasn't being clipped. And it would have been nice if you could have helped find a sitter. What is going on here???'
'I know they aren't your kids, but if you wanted me to go you should have put in effort.' He responded with 'You're being an a%^hole right now and quite frankly, your being over-dramatic as well.' AITA for getting upset with the fact that he went without me? I feel like he's gaslighting me!
Let's find out.
brimberly writes:
NTA. He’s supposed to be your partner, the whole “if you wanted to go you would have found a sitter” could easily be turned into “if he wanted you to go he would have found a sitter.” It’s a weak argument.
The fact that he took “have a nice time” as a confrontational text rather than genuine makes it seem to me like he knew he was doing something that would bother you. It’s all very unnecessary imo. You aren’t the asshole.
theelevenwith77 writes:
That's true! This reads as super sus to me. I know it's bad to jump to conclusions, but to me it really feels like he stuck finding a baby sitter on her alone intentionally.
Like he was hoping she'd be unable to come with him on this couple's trip with his friends. Maybe there is someone else there that he plans to be spending time with?
Also, sending that picture was literally just to rub it in, and you can't convince me otherwise. He is happy that OP isn't there with him, and now he's gaslighting her to make her feel like she's the one behaving confrontationally.
OP, you're NTA. Maybe change the locks while he's gone, make him find a sitter for himself to stay with.
larebear thinks OP's BF is cheating:
Here’s why I think it is pretty likely that he’s meeting someone else: OP only heard about this retreat second-hand from her BF, and a week’s notice isn’t even remotely enough time to arrange child care.
At the minimum, this type of event is organized weeks in advance and requires a reservation. So, what, BF bought tickets to this a month or two ago, and only told OP a week before?
Knowing she’d have to arrange for a babysitter? He went on a lovey-dovey couples retreat with a heart shaped bed and chocolates, romantic dinners and massages? By himself?
No he didn’t. I don’t know even one individual, single or married, straight or queer, cis or trans, who would be all about surrounding himself with loving couples while he eats alone, and sleeps alone in his flower petal heart bed, not getting laid.
BS. If a person wanted to go take a relaxing weekend enjoying a steak dinner and spa visit, one could literally do that anywhere without the trouble of reserving space in a couples retreat. He’s there as half of a couple.