Divorced dad's daughter gets 'ripped off financially' by angry paternal grandmother.
When this dad is concerned that he's a bad parent, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for not getting more involved in my daughters college fund situation?'
I have two children, a daughter Sam (17f), and a son(19m), and I have always made sure that their education is a top priority.
My son is already off at school and doing very well, and Sam was accepted into her desired college school and program, my mom promised to pay for her entire education along time ago, including tuition and accommodation. Everyone was overjoyed with this.
However, after my divorce several years ago, Sam started to prioritize my ex-wife’s family during every season, Sam decided to visit her mom's side of the family instead of spending time with mine. We always told there’s a lot more people there and the food is so much better.
Can’t argue with the fact that her extended family was there, but I don’t think an hour with grandparents is asking too much.
This all upset my mother and strained their relationship. Two weeks ago, she called me to tell me that she would no longer be paying for Sam’s education. She felt that Sam had put her own family second and didn’t treat her like she mattered at all. I hate to say it, but I also can’t argue with that.
Since then, Sam has taken full view of what college is going to look like for her. She will likely need to rethink her dream school and major.
On top of that the loans will be an anchor in her life. She asked me to help, and I certainly will when I can, but when her mother and I divorced, she got all the college accounts and used that to fund her house. This is old news, but I feel very relevant.
While I feel bad for my daughter, I do not feel responsible for my mother's actions. She made the choice to stop supporting Sam’s education, and I cannot force her to change her mind.
I have spoken to my mother and tried to reason with her, but she is firm in her decision. I have also told Sam that she brought this on herself for treating her grandmother less than the rest of her family.
Sam is understandably upset and feels like she is being punished for wanting to spend time with her mom's side of the family.
However, I believe that she is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and make decisions for herself. As a parent, I have always taught my children to take responsibility for their choices, and I feel that this situation is no different.
So, Reddit, Am I The Asshole here? Should have I gotten more involved?
Let's find out.
wackamolethings writes:
NTA. Past a certain age, it’s not like OP could have dragged Sam to visit his mother against her will. What’s worse? An absent child or a sulking child repeatedly asking if she could leave already?
If Sam didn’t want to be there then nothing anyone says or does will change her mind. But if grandma doesn’t want to play walking wallet to an absent granddaughter, there’s also nothing anyone can say or do to change her mind.
Sam isn’t an AH for not connecting with her dad’s family but she will be one if she expects them to pay for her.
ra928 writes:
NTA. You tried to talk to your mom on her behalf and that didn't work. And her mom used her college money to buy a house. A lesson to others - put the money in a 579 fund so that it cannot be taken out by the parents for their own use.
A lesson for your daughter, she is not entitled to any money from grandma if she ghosts her and spends all her time with the otther side of the family. My kids were written out of my mother's will because they never visited her.
bringmethemashup writes:
This is the answer, NTA. There is genuinely nothing in your control here regarding the money and you gave your daughter warnings. You also said you'd help where you can.
It sucks that she has to learn an adult lesson so early, but she was warned and didn't take heed. Your daughter has herself and frankly her mother to blame.