Dad won't lie about son to appease SIL, says, 'his birth is nothing to be ashamed of.'
When this man is angry at his family, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for not wanting to lie to my son for the sake of family harmony?'
My parents (M) always wanted grandchildren and both my brother and I wanted children, but both of us ended up facing fertility issues with our respective partners. My wife and I eventually decided to start working with a surrogate.
Our parents are old-fashioned, but they tried to be happy for us. My brother also tried. His wife did not. His wife is as against the concept of surrogacy as it's possible to be and always has been.
We found a friend who was willing, and we now have a son. SIL went crazy. She spent months blasting all of us about how horrible we all were, that we supported all sorts of terrible practices because we were doing this, etc.
She refused to go to our baby shower or see us in the hospital, but she did send a 'new mom kit' meant for our surrogate with things to help a pregnant person recover from childbirth. My brother apologized for her, but said he couldn't change her mind.
A few months later, my brother and his wife announced a spontaneous pregnancy (after more than five years of trying). Our parents were thrilled, and so were we. We were willing to put it all behind us.
They had a daughter, and it only intensified her views. She refused to bring the baby over for holidays or to meet her cousin because she refused to have her daughter 'raised to view women as objects'. Years later, she's softened to have our parents around without us at least.
My parents want the whole family together again. She's agreed to a compromise that she's willing to do holidays and family outings as long as we never tell the children that our son is from a surrogate.
Our parents think we should do this because she 'has a point' and they were 'always uneasy with it'. I don't agree. This isn't some shameful secret that we should be ashamed of. We didn't do anything wrong.
My wife is adamant that we shouldn't but wants our son to have a cousin. My parents are calling me as much as I'll answer to beg me to consider. My brother just wants the tension to stop and 'isn't going to fight with her anymore.
Let's find out.
damein writes:
Yeah, this right here. This woman has acted insane over something that's not her business for years. There is no f**king way she's going to bite her tongue when the child, who is the living representative of this thing she unreasonably hates, is in front of her.
And even in the unlikely event that she did, she won't do so in front of her child, who will pickup on that attitude and act on it towards Op's child. Op ought to cut contact for the sake of their child.
ra0928 writes:
NTA. Promising not to tell other children that your's is a surrogate is a non- issue. At some point when your child is old enough you probably want to talk to them but for the rest of the family, there is no reason to discuss this.
I would suspect as some point, SIL will blurt it out in a family gathering and sabotage everything, but if you consider family to be important, consider a trial gathering to see how it works out.
thaliagordon writes:
NTA and your SIL is the only one ‘treating women as objects’ it’s not like your surrogate was forced or sold to you or anything crazy like that. It’s something she agreed to and did out of the kindness of her own heart.
If my health was better I’d have been a surrogate for my cousin who had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy in her 20s. Because I don’t want kids but I’d love to give her the family she longs for, that makes me a loving person not an object.