When this husband doesn't know if he took things too far, he asks Reddit:
My wife, my mom, and I have a huge point of contention when it comes to visits. We live about a seven hour plane ride away from my mom and there hasn't been a single visit in five years.
My wife and my mom never had a great relationship. My wife even calls her her 'nemesis.' It wasn't too terrible but just very different people and they get on each other's nerves, so my wife doesn't want her to stay in the house.
It makes me sad but my wife feels the home needs to be a sanctuary and no one who upsets her should be allowed to stay in her sanctuary, and I chose to support that. Her ideal visit would be my mom staying at a hotel and having designated visiting times.
My mom says we can make our rules but we can't seriously expect her to put her time and effort into traveling to stay at a hotel. I also understand that train of thought.
My wife however thinks my mom owes it to our kids to make the effort. My mom says my wife is selfish for expecting her to sacrifice her time, effort, and peace of mind just to be treated like a burden.
I have told my wife to leave it alone. I called my mom recently to talk and my wife came over and began making digs about how the kids don't recognize my mom and were asking if I actually have parents.
My mom said my wife needed to leave the conversation or she was going to hang up. My wife said it is so sad that my mom won't just come and see her grandkids because she feels entitled to stay in our house.
I just snapped and told my wife that she needs to stop acting entitled to my moms time, energy, the money it would take to visit and she is the entitled one. My mom began laughing gleefully and my wife looked devastated.
I quickly hung up and tried to talk it out with my wife, but she was furious and said I broke a cardinal rule of marriage by calling her out in front of my mom. I do get that but I've given her my opinion in private so many times. AITA?
Same. I understand you home being a sanctuary, then in that case the wife if she wants her children to have relationship with OPs mothers needs to be the one to take the kids to OPs mother.
NTA. But maybe start counseling with the wife for the entitled behavior she has as well as how she basically isolated you from family.
NTA. Your wife is a nag and has definite entitlement issues. Also, if she's so embarrassed by having her actions called out 'in public' (not really, it's family) then maybe she should stop doing so heinous shit that she can't stand for it.
Your mom & wife probably get on each other’s nerves because they’re so similar. Quintessential case of an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force.
OP’s wife needs to hear that feelings are not facts. Take it from someone who was raised by a mother like this & has witnessed so many parents like this.. when the kids are little, the kids are the pawn. When the kids are older, they are the target.
OP, is it actually too expensive? If not, pull the trigger & take the kids. Or invite your mom to visit & if your wife continues to act like she’s the only person living in the house, invite her to stay in a hotel herself.
What’s she going to do..? Probably throw a fit & then either move on or move out… tbh both sound like a win for you. NTA (except for maybe not standing up to both of these women in an assertive way).