Man asks wife to accommodate autistic friend, wife says, 'this is an insane request.'
"AITA for asking my wife to accommodate my autistic friend's needs?"
My (34m) good friend (27m) is on the spectrum. I don’t know if how I’m speaking about this will come across as offensive, but he’s on the less severe side of things.
He’s verbal and can read social cues decently well. The only “tells” are his\stims (he rocks almost constantly if he’s sitting still, a few verbal stims, etc.) and his aversion of a few sensory related things.
It’s not something he shares with a lot of people. He got a diagnosis later in life since his parents just thought he was a weird kid while he was growing up. Him confiding in me about this didn’t change anything between us, but some of the stories he has shared broke my heart a little and have made me feel more protective of him.
Due to the AC going out in his apartment and not being able to be fixed for a few days, he came to stay with my wife and I. He can’t sleep unless it’s on silk sheets, so I ran out and bought some the day he asked to sleep over.
I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible - sensory issues aren’t simple requests, they’re genuine needs. My wife was already a little annoyed by that and pointed out I hadn’t done that for any of our other guests.
Then halfway through his second day with us, he pulled me aside and asked me to fix whatever smell was going on in the house, that it was hurting his head and really bothering him.
After some investigation on our part, we figured out it was the perfume my wife was wearing. I politely asked my wife if she would go get changed/shower so that my friend could enjoy dinner with us. She not only refused, but she tried kicking my friend out for being high maintenance. I put an end to that quickly.
I realize she’s not clued in on his needs, but he is a guest in our home all the same. His diagnosis is his to share, and his alone. I have refused to budge on any of the issues. According to an email he got, the AC in the building should be back up and running again tomorrow.
My wife booked a hotel for the night and is insisting that one of them - either herself or my friend - go and stay there for the night. My friend is clearly distraught over this and I just can’t send him off on his own when he’s clearly upset after all that’s happened. AITA?
Let's find out.
entheory writes:
He's entitled not to share. However, he's not entitled to be shielded from the consequences of not sharing. If she's not aware of the situation, how can she be at fault for not accommodating it? YTA. The correct answer here is to tell the friend 'Look, either you gotta tell her what's going, or we have to respect her wishes.'
thirstythirdcharm writes:
YTA. He is a full grown adult with his own apartment. If he needs silk sheets, he can remember to bring them. If he is having a reaction to your wife's perfume, he can politely explain and ask that she either not wear it or excuse him for avoiding her in her own home.
His needs are real, but they are not an excuse to impose on other unduly. At this point, he is responsible for managing his own needs.
crystalqueen3000 writes:
YTA. You’re making unreasonable requests given that she does not know about his diagnosis. To her he’s just a super fussy, high maintenance guest that’s making her feel uncomfortable in her own home and you are choosing to prioritise him over her.