Man makes fiancee sleep on couch so teen daughter can sleep in bed, fiancee is shocked.
When this dad is conflicted about his fiance and his daughter, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for asking my fiancée to sleep on the pull out couch so my daughter could sleep in my bed?'
So I (43m) have a fiancée (39f) and I also have a daughter (16f), and the three of us traveled to visit my fiancées parents to have them meet us.
Last night we got a hotel for the last night before we drove home, and my fiancée and I were in the master bed and my daughter was in the pull out couch bed in the next room, and shortly after we went to sleep, my daughter asked if she could sleep in my bed with me.
My daughter is on the spectrum and has anxiety from previous trauma and has some trouble with being alone in unfamiliar places, so I said absolutely and I initially offered to go sleep on the pull out couch with her but she said it was very uncomfortable and she needed to sleep on a real mattress.
I asked my fiancée if she’d be willing to sleep on the pull out couch for the night, and she seemed a little annoyed.
I offered to get another room for us or to figure something else out, but she insisted it was ok. So my daughter and I shared the master bed and my fiancée slept on the pull out couch.
Today we got home and she’s seemed kind of passive aggressive with me and when I asked what was wrong, she said she felt completely sidelined and like she was treated with no respect or decency last night.
I told her I was sorry but my daughter was in distress and I needed to do something, and she insisted she’s not a little kid and could’ve done something else that didn’t involve sleeping in my bed with me.
Then I told her she was starting to get out of line and she needs to understand I have an autistic daughter so if we’re going to be together, she needs to understand stuff like this will happen from time to time. She got very annoyed with me and then walked off. AITA?
Let's find out.
elegakelk writes:
Yup. Having autism doesn’t erase the ability to manipulate or do other AH behaviors, and it shouldn’t be excused. You can have sensory issues and manipulate at the same time.
Sixteen years old is also old enough to realize/learn that your sensory issues aren’t always going to be catered to. Sometimes you have to sleep on that mattress and get a really crappy nights sleep and it sucks, but it is what it is. As adults, we suck it up for a night or two.
Definitely can avoid this going forward by getting two beds like the other commenter said. OP also needs to realize that while putting your child from a previous relationship first over a new relationship is generally a good thing, it still can be very situational.
Of course your fiancé feels disrespected when you let your almost adult daughter into bed with you and kick her out of it. Autism doesn’t disappear.
What are you going to do if you end up in a similar situation when your daughter is 18 or 25? You’ll need to navigate this carefully with balance so your fiancé feels loved and respected as a significant other if you actually care about her too.
toomuchtooson6 writes:
This is why OP is the AH. The daughter didn’t want dad and her to sleep on the pullout because it was uncomfortable BUT somehow it was acceptable for the fiance to sleep on the pullout.
That level of lack of consideration makes OP in the wrong here. The compromise should have been dad telling daughter that he can sleep on the pullout with her and IF it’s too uncomfortable, contact the front desk.
It’s fine to inconvenience your fiancé from time to time in the interest of your child but never to the point of forcing her to accept a situation that is not good enough for you.
flyingwithaliens writes:
I am not gonna claim full YTA but I do think you’re more at fault then you realize. Two beds should always be available moving forward. I think a lot of this was probably the bed was more comfortable.
Autism does come with sensory things too. (Hi, I’m on the spectrum) so while as I’m not saying that was full manipulation, there was SOME. Her main interest was probably comfort but she didn’t want to start with that excuse cause it does come off selfish.
Moving forward: don’t put yourself in a position to have this happen again. Always have two beds. And kodos to your fiancé for not saying EVERYTHING she was thinking, cause I promise you, empathy helped her maintain.
reaffirmreality writes:
Coping with the world successfully as a neurodivergent person requires BOTH awareness of how much battery you have and how much each activity takes, as well as the power to make choices that limit the drain.
It was the end of trip that involved socializing with new people that she is expected to make a good impression on. She was likely under a decent bit of social scrutiny, and out of her element for an extended period of time.
It makes complete sense for her to be at the end of her ability to cope. And even then, she got overwhelmed and asked her dad for support, which is a pretty healthy and reasonable way to handle it.
It's not like she threw a fit at dinner or something. When else are people allowed to ask for support if not in privacy with immediate family?
All these people saying she's manipulative scare me. If I had a teenager who was overwhelmed like that I would hope they felt safe to ask me to be with them for a while until they feel better.