When this mother is upset with her DIL, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not changing my tradition day to my DIL and making things uncomfortable?'
I have a tradition that every June and December, on the first Saturday of the month, I make a traditional dish from my country for my family and friends. Everyone loves it and it's a family recipe.
. My youngest son has been married to Wendy for 3 years (together 1 before). I didn't know her that well, because they didn't live here. Wendy is a rising chef.
In June, Wendy asked if she could help me make the dish and I said yes... It was my biggest regret. She gave advice on all seasoning choices and even though I said it's a family recipe, she kept giving her opinion.
When that date passed, I made it clear that I would not like any more help (first and last time), she took it personally and our relationship became uncomfortable.
Last month (day 16),, I received an invitation from my son and Wendy to go to their house, because Wendy was going to make this dish. It was the first Sunday in December. To clarify, this dish is not something you can eat two days in a row, as it is heavy.
Some sent me a message, asking if mine would still happen (they know it's always the first Saturday) and I confirmed. On the 20th, I sent the 'formal' invitation by message.
My son called as soon as he received it, asking if it would be on the first Saturday and I confirmed and he started saying that people can't eat two days in a row and if I couldn't leave it for another week, because Wendy wanted to do it to get closer to the family.
I said no, as it is my tradition and despite finding their choice of date unpleasant, I won't stop them, but I will continue with the usual dates.
He proceeded to say I'm making things uncomfortable and a week later it wouldn't bother me and used the coin her invite was before.
I was perplexed and said that everyone knows it's the first Saturday of the month, including them, so it wouldn't change all my plans.
Things got uncomfortable, of course. But I kept it, because it's something that doesn't just involve me (friends and Family already conformes)
There was a party on Saturday with family/friends (he and Wendy didn't come) and on Sunday (I didn't go, because I work that day) many didn't come and those who did, few ate the food (because they couldn't eat twice).
During the week, my son sent a message asking if it was worth it to have done that and upset her, because it spoiled this moment that she wanted to have with our family. He stressed that I could have been the best person, but I preferred not to be.
I don't think this attack is very fair, but I wanted an outside opinion. It was the best date for all of my family and friends in December as they get to get together before the festivities (for me too). Tradition that has been going on for 10 years.
Added: Many have asked, I apologize for being late. Feijoada is the dish, I know that many people in my country can eat it 2 days in a row, but we know that eating feijoada in a row is the recipe for a beautiful stomach ache, especially mine that comes with many complements.AITA?
Let's find out.
fullmom7 writes:
NTA. This is a family tradition of 10 years. Traditions are important and attempting to modify or change them is offensive. She is clearly trying to UPSTAGE you trying to “prove” to the family she can make this dish better.
Her choice of dates was passive aggressive. Your son is also an AH for letting this happen. If Wendy clearly wants to get closer to the family she can easily start her own tradition which doesn’t conflict with yours.
NTA .All THEY had to do was push THEIRS out a week, knowing OPs is the first Saturday. They chose the day after, knowing the dish and the tradition.
It's not like OPs own son doesn't know it, he's done it for a decade. He let his wife steamroll his backbone and twist him against his mom on her own traditions, just so his wife could steal the rug from under OP.
Then didn't like the results when it backfired and they weren't supported by the family and friends too.
It's so weird they wanted OP to force a change to their dates as part of their traditions with the dish, it's not just the dish.
But I guess stealing the dates was their way of further undermining OP as the holder of the tradition....they wanted to take over 'do it better with her recipe' in their minds. Kinda of a 'that'll show her' attitude.
I'd be telling him to have a think on everything he's done around this. Not to bother talking to me til he's ready to apologise, same dates twice a year I'll be doing my tradition but you're not invited til you apologize.
eitherad66 writes:
NTA. Your DIL seems very pretentious. Instead of trying to be respectful of you and your recipes, she decided she’s rather upstage you (in her eyes) Your son owes you an apology and you need to make it clear to him that she is welcome to be a part of the family.
She is not welcome to disrespect your family traditions and recipes just because of her profession.
sooverina writes:
NTA. Your DIL purposely set this up in hopes of upstaging you and proving she could cook it better.
She wanted a “gotcha” moment and hoped people would prefer hers. She could have picked literally ANY other day of the year and she was trying to steal your tradition out from under you and flex her superiority.
Coming from someone who is harsh on tradition-clinging MILs at the expense of the next generation, you are STILL not the asshole.