Mom is shocked when her daughter says, 'your parenting style caused my depression.'
When this mom is feeling guilty, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for telling my daughter I couldn’t have known my parenting style would cause mental issues and say its partly her personality?'
Me (62) and my oldest daughter (f28) always have had a rough relationship. I had ptsd after fleeing my home country and looking back I might’ve also have had postpartum depression after she was born.
I admit I’ve been very hard and strict with her, more than I did with her younger sister/my youngest daughter (24). I raised my daughter with outdated non-western principles, I see that now. But back then it seemed right because I was raised the same way.
My daughter has been struggling with depression and in my attempt to understand why we got into an argument. I’ve tried to talk about it a few times but she never wanted to. Today she was upset about her grades.
She’s a masters student. She passed all her exams but she gets very upset and frustrated when she doesn’t get the highest score. I was trying to calm her down and cheer her on. At one point asked her: why are you like this?
She got furious and told me that me and her dad were the reason why. That her whole life she had to earn our approval. She brought up the time where she scored “middle education” instead of “higher education”, (our country has a three school system depending on your degrees).
Me and my husband were angry and disappointed, we did not talk to her for 2 weeks and she could not eat with us at the dinner table. She ate in the kitchen standing up or would put her plate in front of her door and knock.
I’m very embarrassed looking back at it and when she brought it up I got tears thinking that I did that to my child.
I told her that looking back we see that negative reinforcement wasn’t the right way. I told her that we fled our home and started over elsewhere for her future so it was/is really important to us that she and her sister get high degrees, a good job and a good salary so they have a better life than we had.
It was frustrating to us to see that she could do better than average or middle and we handled it wrongly.
I then said: “but we could’ve never known it would have such effects on your mental health when you got older, your sister was raised the same way and isn’t so insecure so you it’s also a little bit -you as a person-.“
The conversation then escalated. She asked me where I got the nerve to blame her personality while her whole life we made her feel like she had to earn our love and approval.
She said this affected her life in every aspect and it’s why she’s has a depression. She called me an asshole and said that I was basically saying she has a weak personality.
I know we made horrible mistakes and I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done. But I feel that it’s true. Her sister was pushed the same way and isn’t so insecure to the point it effects her mental health. She isn’t insecure at all.
My husband said there was no reason to bring that up. I believe it’s not completely our parenting style that caused her depression. AITA for saying that to her?
juliasquid writes:
YTA, OP, QUIT throwing little sister in older sister's face! Maybe older sister worked just as hard as little sister, but wasn't as talented academically.
YOUNGER sister had a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT UPBRINGING! If for example you had a younger brother, and you were both judged on bodily strength, but as a boy, the younger brother was naturally stronger, would you praise younger brother, and punish older sister?
YOU DID THIS TO YOUR OLDER DAUGHTER! Also have her evaluated for learning differences. You realize she may have dyslexia or ADHD or both, and you have no idea.
simplequit87 writes:
'We didn't do a great job raising you and made you feel like you were never good enough. But like, it's still mostly your fault that you weren't and still aren't good enough.' That's what she heard. And yes. YTA.
27broadway4e writes:
Yes. Watching a sibling be treated poorly gives other kids in the house anxiety, makes them confused, makes them feel like they could be next at any second, makes them feel like they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. OP- YTA.