Man won't spend NYE with husband's kids, says 'I have my reasons.'

"AITA for not wanting to spend New Year's Eve with my husband's kids?"

Here's the situation: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We both have demanding jobs and are usually pretty busy, so we try to make the most of our time together when we're not working.

This year, my husband's ex-wife asked if we could have the kids for Christmas. We agreed, thinking it would be a nice way to spend the holiday and give the kids a chance to spend time with their dad and for them to warm up to me.

I’m a guy and his ex wife has only recently warmed up to him dating me so this is progress. Well, Christmas was a bit of a mixed bag. The kids were grateful and seemed to enjoy spending time with us, but they also fought a lot and made a mess of my office.

It was really stressful trying to keep them from arguing and they seemed to be constantly bickering with each other over who got what toy and who is eating what food. Now, my husband's ex-wife has asked if we can have the kids again for New Year's Eve. My husband wants to say yes, but I'm really not interested.

I feel like we've already put in a lot of effort for Christmas and I don't want to spend another holiday with the kids, especially if it's going to involve a lot of fighting and stress.

I've tried explaining this to my husband, but he just says that it's not fair to the kids and that we should be more understanding. He also thinks because the kids have been so accepting of me we should have them around for NYE as well.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I also don't want to spend another holiday with the kids if it's going to be as stressful as Christmas was. AITA for not wanting to spend New Year's Eve with my husband's kids?

Let's find out.

orangecubit writes:

YTA - you are dating a father. His kids should ALWAYS come first. If you can’t handle that don’t date a dad.

broadkey87 writes:

NTA You seem lovely and perhaps a bit lonely in your marriage. And, you are trying very hard to be open to your husband and supportive of him. I like that and respect it and I hope your grace is appreciated by your husband.

I would guess he feels stuck in a hell of his own making. He probably knows he isn’t really meeting anyones needs, despite his attempts to be the good guy in this scenario. I won’t throw shade at his ex-wife because none of us are at our best when we feel betrayed.

The kids are stuck between the make believe world the parents want them to believe in and what they most likely know to be the reality.

I think we all want the world to make sense and the attempts by your husband and his ex wife to create an alternate reality where they are a couple for holidays and weekends, is nonsensical.

hotwife721 writes:

YTA. You married a parent. Their kids should always be a priority! Always!! If something tragic happened to their mother, the kids would be with your husband 24/7. If you’re not prepared for possibility, then you had no business marrying a parent.

Later OP came back with these edits:

1: He has another separate home to meet the kids during weekends cause they don't want me to be involved with the kids. Otherwise he meets them in their family home. They still celebrate easter and other major holidays and family events as a 'family' (him, his ex-wife and the kids) without me. His ex-wife is still coming to terms with his sexuality.

2: I feel like I should clarify that I am not involved with the kids and likely won't ever get too involved. Him and ex wife are adamant that the kids know that they have 1 mother and 1 father and they don't want me to have a parental role and for the kids to think they have two dads.

A year later OP created a new post with more deatils about his relationship:

We’ve started couples counselling. Husband hates the counsellor and thinks she’s antagonising him and wants to quit but she’s right.

I want to stick with it but it’s becoming a battle even though we’ve started it to work through some communication problems. I have been enjoying our session and have been finding them very insightful because it has helped me understand where our conversations turn into heated arguments.

I have been taking her advice in stride and have acknowledged where I can do better. He has challenged everything she has said by proving her point. He gets defensive during arguments and doesn’t believe he can ever be wrong.

He thinks she’s antagonising only him because the past session was focussed on his communication style and she rightfully broke down times during our conversation where he got defensive or resorted to interrupting me, assuming what I want to stay or using the “always” argument”.

The reason he thinks she is antagonising him, something he has explicitly said is because he used to be married to a woman and had kids and used to “live the straight life”. This has come up during our session and he believes she is been putting a lot of focus on it even though I don’t believe she has. His kids have been a topic of our arguments but his claim about her antagonising him is baseless beyond this.

Should I indulge him and allow him to find us a new counsellor or go on my own next session because he says it is a waste of money.