Man makes 'hurtful' announcement on x-mas, his SIL says, 'you destroyed my holiday.'
When this man is concerned that he and his wife made a mistake, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for announcing our big news on x-mas despite my SIL's issues?'
MMy brother and his wife have been trying to get pregnant but unfortunately she's had 6 miscarriages.
That sucks, I know, I'm not discounting that at all. That being said she's a center of attention kind of person, she will shit talk other people all day long and try to make herself look like the best person in the room.
If anyone else gets attention she tries to take it away from them, usually by putting them down verbally, or by getting another dog or cat. Most of the animals she has were obtained right after other people she knew got pregnant.
Well, wife and I got pregnant, discussed at length with how we should approach this, keeping my SIL in mind was the main topic of conversation.
We didn't want to upset her but we also didn't feel like it was right to let her dictate our actions and make it impossible to celebrate the life that we're creating. So we made t shirts, announcing the pregnancy. Not gloating it, just announcing it.
Christmas time, we come over to my mom's place, do present exchange, then change shirts. My mother was very happy but I could see the look on my SIL face, upset. She didn't say anything and just shut herself in the bathroom, then left early later on in the day.
Next day she sends this message to my wife.
'To say I’m disappointed, is an understatement. We have had conversations about how hard infertility is during the holidays, and how hard/debilitating it is. (bro) and I have lost 6 babies. Six. We have six dead children, (wife). Springing you’re pregnant on (bro) and I like that was uncalled for and completely ruined not only mine, but (bro) Christmas.
You could’ve sent me a heads up text about this, so we had time to process this. And if your excuse is “oh I didnt want it to ruin the surprise for mom”, you’re wrong. It’s a completely invalid fear.
Because I would never ruin a surprise like that. Not only that, but you also saw how that affected me, and you wouldn’t stop talking about it. You’re excited, sure. But read the room (wife).
I cant tell you how much that damaged our relationship, and honestly. I dont know how many holidays I’m going to be there for now because of what you did. What you did was completely selfish and careless.
It showed me you really don’t care about me. And honestly, had we gotten a heads up text, I’d be happy for you. But right now? I’m not.
You both ruined Christmas for us. Idk why you thought that was such a good idea. You also had AN ENTIRE HOUR to do it before we got there. I had to leave early because I couldnt stand being there for another minute in a house that I didnt feel loved in.'
The only time we talked about it was when my family was asking questions, due date, gender, etc., it's not like we were talking about it throughout the day.
Am I the asshole (are we the assholes) for having decided to do the pregnancy announcement anyways? AITA?
Let's find out.
dovechocolatebar writes:
NTA and WOW sil needs severe therapy. Like SEVERE. All of her behavior screams “unhinged”. I feel bad for her but that’s a lot of trauma dumping to aggressively hostile text someone about “6 dead children”.
That’s disturbing to hear that. Also she definitely wouldn’t have been happy for you if you texted her before Christmas. It just would’ve been a different reason she was upset! Because it’s not about the timing or the heads up… it’s just that you guys are pregnant and she’s not.
I hope you can encourage your brother to get her help. Congrats on your baby.
echostellar writes:
Nope. YTA. I disagree with your assessment of being 'unhinged'. She grieved privately in the bathroom and excused herself early. She sent a thoughtful and fairly rational text. She does have six dead children.
She's driving the point home as to how hurt she's feeling. I agree with her when she says a heads up would have been nice.
As someone who has been involved in r/pregnant subs during both successful pregnancies, it doesn't take long before coming across advice on how to break the news of pregnancy to someone close who has only experienced loss. That advice? Send a text.
I've used this advice myself affer reading of other's experience. It worked as well as I had hoped it would. My friend was able to process the news on her own time, respond emotionally without the pressure of feigning excitement, then text me when she was ready.
OP: YTA. It's a holiday. It's meant to be shared amongst those you love. It's something to look forward to and enjoy.
Being blindsided with news of someone's pregnancy after SIX miscarriages would be upsetting for anyone in that situation. I think it's fair to come to the conclusion that OP and family were not considerate.
randompersonoftheday disagrees:
NTA!!! It is walking on eggshells though if you go back and read the post. SIL is an attention seeker. Has to be the center of attention.
OP said she will go so far as to shit talk anyone and everyone around just to keep attention focused on her. She’s had six miscarriages so is always pulling the woe is me card out when attention wanes.
Then will immediately try to refocus attention on herself when someone else gets any.
They discussed how they wanted to announce their pregnancy with SIL as the focus of the discussion because they knew they were going to hurt her feelings, no matter what they did.
They could have texted her a month before Christmas and she still would have been a butthurt baby about it.
Seems people in this family do walk on eggshells to not piss off the attention seeker with the six miscarriages.
These two finally said enough with being afraid of her response and just announced it.
Sucks for SIL, but not everything is about her. These people have the right to announce their pregnancy as they chose, when they chose, and how they chose, without fear of repercussions from SIL who can get pregnant but can’t keep it.