Stepmom makes stepdaughter cry when she gives her 'stupid, unsolicited' advice.
When this stepmom feels guilty, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for giving my stepdaughter advice on how to be popular?'
I am the step mother to a 16 year old daughter. I have been her step mom for 6 years. I love my step daughter and think she is a good kid.
For instance, she’s polite, in the top 5% of her class, doesn’t get into trouble, helps with house work proactively and is extremely compassionate, probably more so than the average teenager is at 16. She has her eyes set on being valedictorian.
The thing is with her, is that she’s only had the same steady group of friends (2-4 other kids) since elementary school, which is fine. But as opposed to doing what seems normal among kids her age, she is perpetually upstairs in her room on her laptop...
For the past three years I have watched her actively decide against going to prom, home-coming, any party or outing even with her own friends etc. She doesn’t wear makeup, she dresses extremely homely in exclusively sweat pants, and outside of going to school everyday, she doesn’t leave the house.
Like I said, she does have a handful of friends who come over sometimes. Teachers have said in the past that she is polite to them but quiet and prefers to work alone. She doesn’t socialize well with the other kids and I’m told she is bullied for a speech impediment. Even when her friends are over she just sits in silence.
The other day at the dinner table I offered to take her on a shopping spree for her birthday to get some more adult makeup and some clothes, and it took some convincing but today after school, we went.
I mentioned to her how nice it would be to get dolled up together for thanksgiving at her grandparents and she told me it’s not really her thing but that she would try and dress up a little.
Naturally, she picked out a giant turtle neck that was 3 sizes too big and swallowed her whole. It wasn’t what I had in mind but a step in the right direction, so we got it and left.
In the car on the way home I asked her what she thought about going to prom this year, even just with friends just to make the memories and have the photos to look back on, and she said she has no interest in that. I tried to ease into the conversation and verbatim told her:
“Look, you’re a really pretty and smart girl and I’m just worried that in a few years you’ll have nothing to look back on.
You aren’t making the memories or connections that most other girls your age make, and I think that maybe if you just put in a little more effort into yourself and stepped out of your shell a little bit, you could easily be your absolute best self. You could be so much more popular if you just tried.”
She immediately started crying and asking me what I thought was wrong with her and why I thought she was “the worst or something” and no matter how much I tried to explain, she just wouldn’t stop crying.
When we got home, my husband hounded me and told me I was just contributing to what she already deals with at school, when I personally felt like I made good points and articulated them in a healthy way.
Let's find out.
beeblopblipblip writes:
YTA - What is the value of being 'popular' and why should she try to achieve it? She doesn't seem to be interested in that.
potatoeschippies writes:
YTA. You are well meaning but you are not looking at the right things. Being shy and introverted are not a problem, it’s a personality trait that for some reason is often looked down on but is perfectly normal.
You pushing to get your step daughter to be someone she is not will not fix any perceived problems. It’s time you take a step back and speak with her about if she needs some outside support for bullying and possible depression.
Again, not because she is quiet and doesn’t want to go to prom or wear make up but because she is being bullied and even the strongest person will feel the effects of that.
Also, if she has a speech impediment, have you looked at speech pathology for her (if she wants it only- there is nothing wrong with having a speech impediment but if she is uncomfortable with it, there may be things that can be done).
greekamericandom writes:
YTA. Your step daughter does not need to conform to what you consider a normal life to be happy and fulfilled.
Instead of trying to turn her into you, maybe take the time to understand her.