Woman won't cut long hair even though it triggers her friend's 'family trauma.'
When this woman is conflicted about her friend, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not cutting my hair even though someone told me it was bringing back their trauma?'
So for context, I have hair that is significantly longer than the average person. I get compliments about it all the time and even though it's a hassle looking after it, I really do like it.
My friend, who we'll call Kate, lost her mother to cancer before we met. I don't know the full story but apparently she used to have hair as long as mine until she shaved it all off.
Kate and I haven't been friends for long but I really thought things were good between us until Kate pulled me aside one day to ask me for a favour. I asked her what favour it was and she said she wanted me cut my hair to at least just past my shoulders because it looked so much like her moms.
I thought she was just making a really bad joke but it turned out she genuinely wanted me to do that.
She said it was bringing back her trauma to see my hair and that she didn't know if she could keep being friends with me, as well as the fact that she really only asked because we were such close friends.
She said she wanted to ask from the moment our friendship began but wanted to wait since it would be weird if she asked then.
I told her that I was sorry but that I wouldn't be doing that. I love my hair. Here's where I might be TA. I told her a few reasons as to why I loved having long hair and one of them was about how much I resembled my mother.
Immediately I felt bad because of the awkward timing of the comment and tried to tell her that I wasn't making fun of her for not having a mom or anything but this seemed to make her more mad.
She started screaming and crying about how she thought she could trust me and how awful I was for gloating at the fact that my mother is still alive.
I tried diffusing the situation but it clearly wasn't going to work out so I just ran out. Recently I've been getting calls and texts from our friends about how disgusting I am and it turns out Kate told them that I keep reminding her of her mom and even once said I look more like Kate's moms daughter than Kate.
I've tried explaining the truth and most of my friends have sided with me but a few don't believe me and are saying I'm a bitch and that I should just cut my hair anyway, along with a comment or two about how hopefully I get to experience not having a mother soon.
I thought this would be worth mentioning. I did bring up the fact that I'm not the only long haired person in the world and that many people in my culture have long hair and she countered it by saying that whilst that's true, she lives in a predominantly...
white neighborhood and it's rare to see hair as long as her mothers or mine (she herself is white whereas I am not so I'm not sure exactly why that was brought into it.)
So should I just do it even though she went behind my back and changed the story? I feel like if she wasn't still grieving she wouldn't have done that.
I kind of get it to an extent because I myself went through something quite traumatic and now I can't look at a very popular drink without getting flashbacks just because I had it in my hand at the time but at the same time I don't demand for store owners to stop selling them or anything so why should she demand for me to cut my hair?
If I was causing so much harm then why would she continue to get to know me? And surely long hair isn't the only thing that reminds her of her mother? And why would she immediately get so emotional and start screaming at me?
Surely in that situation she'd be pleading? It's not like I share a striking resemblance to her; I don't even look remotely like her mother, it's just the hair LENGTH.
Double edit: For those saying I should cut her and the people who sided with her off, I totally hear you. Those few friends that did side with her had no right to act that way and make those comments about my mom, especially knowing that there was no way of definitely knowing who was telling the truth since they weren't even there.
But to me, Kate is just someone who is handling the loss of her mother poorly. So now I'm not sure what to do with my hair and what to do with our friendship.
I'd just like to clear up a few misconceptions about me talking about my own mother. My comment was in no way me bringing up the fact that my mother was still alive, I just got a bit nervous at how insistent she was being and started trying to justify why I wouldn't be doing so.
I know it was a stupid comment to make but in no way was I 'showing off' the fact that my mother is still alive. AITA?
Let's find out.
tastasza writes:
NTA. If she has trauma, she needs therapy, not for all people with hair like her mom's to cut their hair.
equivalentwo9 writes:
NTA. The above comment about trigger control stopping where bodily autonomy starts is spot on. Your hair is yours. If her mother had short hair would she expect everyone to grow it out? Absolutely not an appropriate ask.
She needs time to process her grief and she needs better counseling. Yes your comment about your mom might be taken badly, but at this point, i don't think communicating with this girl for any reason is a good idea.
straightjacketracket writes:
NTA and I think OP needs to make a group text to everyone about this. 'It seems everyone is taking something I said completely the wrong way. I enjoy looking like my mom with my long hair, and this is true regardless of who has and doesn't have a mother, it has been true for years.
I regret bringing up my mom and that's what I'm sorry about, I did not intend to make Kate feel bad for not having hers. But I did not do this to rub my mom in her face, there is a difference between a mistake and malicious intent.
I love my hair though and there's no way I'm going to make myself unhappy by cutting it to suit someone else, that's like asking someone to remove a tattoo because it reminds them of someone else.'