Woman won't take care of autistic sibling, mother says, 'this is your responsibility.'
When this woman is concerned about her mother's expectations, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not comitting to caring for my autistic sibling when my mother passes?'
Ill try to keep this brief. (F) My brother has autism, and my mother wants me to be fully responsible for him when she passes. She was diagnosed with cancer and chemo isnt working so...heres hoping its not soon, but you know.
Heres the background. My brother is low functioning autistic, no hopes of holding a job or living on their own. Hes 22 but is essentially 8 years old in all prospects of mental development, maybe even younger.
My brother attends a school for those with autism, its essentially an autism, mental disability live in school that he lives in. Anyways, he lives there, so whats the problem you might ask.
Well he comes home once a month. For roughly 5 days. My mother wants me to continue this schedule after she passes and thats my issue. I have no qualms or issues with being the gaurdian in charge, making decisions, and aiding him in those manners.
My mother wants me to consistently keep this schedule as its been set for the last decade and those with autism are extremely sensitive to routines. I understand that. I do.
But this essentially means I couldnt ever move, take a lengthy vacation, and even if im sick i should be expected to still carry through with it. This also gets more complicated when you consider things like If i were to ever have kids.
Even if I find a job opportunity accross the country she would expect me to either not move or make the flight every month to bring him ack. I will also add I have my own mental issues. Though ones ive worked on extensively.
My mother has also made it clear I will only be recieving life insurance money if I were to take care of him in the past, which you know...cool, but its whatever. My issue is that once she passes im to be expected to essentially fill the mother role in ways im not sure im capable of and if im being honest, not sure I event want to.
I genuinely have a life ahead of me and my own dreams and to say this would break that all would be fitting. Again, I have no issues taking the role on paper and making choices and of course I have no problem bringing him for holidays and such.
The idea if every month though is genuinely pretty much taking my life and autonomy away from me.
And when I bring this up im immediately shut down and my mom will say how hes going to be alone and have nobody and im the only one he can rely on.
I try to stress that i will do my best but that I will need to put my own life and needs first. Even bringing up the what ifs makes her cancel out the conversation and proceed to call me unreliable and demonize me.
I try to stress Ill do my best, but thats not enough for my mom who wants reassurance I will dedicate my life to my autistic brother and basically put him above all else as the deciding factor of how I should make life choices like jobs and such.
So...AITA for pushing back and blatantly saying I cant promise it?
Let's find out.
sweetsalt08 writes:
OP you will give your mother reassurance and you will be taking care of your brother by giving the responsibility to qualified people. You have your own issues to deal with. NTA.
aitasupafan writes:
NTA lets face it when your mum dies your brother’s routine is out the window anyway as his routine is to be with her. That and you both will be grieving. Being a hands on carer is alot and you have your own life to live. Don’t commit to this.
highvalue7 writes:
NTA - All your feelings are valid ones. However, I will say this. You could agree to take care of your brother, knowing that this stress is likely hurting your dying mother more than her own immortality at the moment.
Would it really hurt to say yes you will do this (maybe do it for a few months and then make alternate arrangements, that fit your decided on boundaries). Perhaps focus on the here and now - Your mom needs to hear that your brother will be taken care of and you are willing to ensure that your brother is taken care of - that's the bottom line and what matters.
The way you choose to take care of your brother only matters when you are actually tasked with that responsibility.
She doesn't need the added stress of knowing the intricate details of how you will change his care based on your boundaries in that moment, because the reality is that you can't even define that in this moment - simply put - it's impossible to map out the future right now, so I'd go with the resolution in this moment that creates the least amount of stress all around in this moment.
You don't even have to stress out because you don't know what the future will hold and you are allowed to change the course of your actions as life comes at you.