When this woman does not want to attend xmas at her in-laws, she asks Reddit:

'AITA for saying I won’t come to Christmas at my in-laws?'

This is a petty little thing but maybe you guys can help me know if I was in the wrong?

For context, I (25F) got married in November. My MIL doesn't really like me, even trying to steal the spotlight at my wedding, but is still overly traditional.

At Thanksgiving, I was having a really bad hair day so I wore a black leather cap (a dressier newsboy-style one), which my husband said looked great on me.

The holiday was hostile, even more so than prior gatherings I'd been to, and hubby said MIL said it was because I wore a hat, but I know it was just an excuse. I told MIL I wouldn't come to Christmas with them, then blocked her number and Facebook.

My husband is trying to keep us both happy since he doesn't like conflict. He wants me to come to one more celebration to see if maybe people are getting used to me.

He’s told MIL she needs to be nice and treat me as part of the family since I am and that if I feel unwelcome at Christmas like I did at Thanksgiving, that we won’t attend future events and she see him much anymore.

I understand why he wants me to give her one final chance and haven’t had any conflict with him. Marriage is about compromise and I get that he doesn’t want to cut her off since she’s his mother, but I just don’t want to be involved with her unless I have to be.

I wanted to see if MIL was listening to him so I asked my husband to request that I be allowed to wear the same hat to Christmas.

Hubby said he thought I’d worn it since I had a bad hair day, but this time it’s as a statement that they shouldn’t treat me as an outsider, either because I wear hats all the time (right now it’s just a sports visor, which I’d never wear to a holiday, so it’s not like I’m doing that) or they just don’t like me.

If they won’t let me wear a hat, what else are they going to restrict about me? Let me be me or I won’t come. Period.

My husband agreed and relayed this to MIL and she’s been asking him why he married the devil. Are you kidding me? I feel like this is unforgivable.

He’s growing tense with me and I told him he’ll probably have to pick a side sooner or later and that I never intended it that way. He spent last night at a friend’s house because he needed to think.

I feel bad because I care about him and know conflict stresses him out. I told him to text me when he was ready to talk. He hasn't yet.

My friends think that my hat request was unnecessary, and maybe I strained my relationship with my husband. I think he just needed space to think because conflict stresses him out, so I gotta ask: AITA for saying I won't come if I don't wear a hat?

Let's find out.

beepblapboop writes:

ESH - You took a situation that could have been a first step toward a less contentious relationship with your MIL and made demands which intentionally antagonized her.

Of course you should be able to wear whatever you want and your MIL is being insane in this situation, but do you want to be 'right', or do you want peace in your family?

usuallywrite writes:

YTA. You’re literally trying to bait MIL. It’s like you want a reaction from her.It’s generally considered rude to be wearing a hat indoors/while dining.

And “bad hair day”? It’s a family get together. Seems pretty immature to even be thinking about that. I’d expect it from a teenager maybe but an adult?

You’re putting your husband in a bad situation.

orphankripl writes:

I think the point is that if the MIL is willing to die on the hat hill, the OP does not in fact want peace from MIL, she wants nothing. This is fair.

I don't understand mothers that choose to I guess stress test relationships, and I especially don't understand the people who would choose to appease these people like there is a benefit.

Wouldn't if feel awful to be in a room where someone is being super nice to you but super shitty to the person you love? Nobody wins there except the mom and fuck that, holidays are about celebration, not being beaten into contrition.

These are 2 people who do not like or want to like each other, and that's not only fine, it is the mother's fault. NTA.

Well, jury's out on this one. Is OP TA? What do YOU think?