'AITA for telling my MIL off for expecting me to ditch my family for every holiday?'
"AITA for telling my MIL off for expecting me to ditch my family for every holiday?"
My MIL is quite possessive and controlling. She doesn't like me because I've taken her son away from her and all that but she's never been honest either to me or my husband about her dislike towards me.
She'll only throw some masked insults to my husband about me but to my face she's acting like an angel and says how much she adores me and views me as her own daughter etc. Behind my back both her and my SIL say the most horrible stuff.
There's many horrible things she's done but on this post I'll focus on how she acts regarding us trying to balance time between families.
Since the first years of my husband and I being together MIL always had the expectation that her and her family should be prioritised more than my family. In some cases she spoke as if I had no family when my family is well and I have a great relationship with them.
She always had demands that we spend every single holiday with them and whenever we balanced things out between them and my family she threw tantrums and constantly cried to my husband about how he abandons his dear mommy for his 'new family'.
At first my husband felt bad for her but then understood her theatrics and anytime she throws a tantrum he's telling her 'like it or not that's what's gonna happen, go cry now and deal with it'. We still try to be fair and balance holidays.
Another example is how she demanded that during our wedding day I should get dressed at her own house because I'm like her daughter and she deserved to see me getting ready more than my own parents did.
When I chose to get ready to my parent's house MIL was mad and said I disrespected her and that I don't consider her family because I did that. So this year my husband and I made the plan. Thanksgiving lunch with his family. Thanksgiving dinner with mine. Xmas with his family and New Year's with mine.
Guess what. MIL didnt like that. After we were about to leave thanksgiving lunch with her she started making comments again about how we're picking my family over her and how she'll spend new years without us now too because we prefer my family more.
Totally ignoring the fact that we'll spend Xmas with her. My husband even tried to accommodate her once and asked her if she'd prefer for us to spend Xmas or New year's with her and I told him no, she won't dictate our schedule, enough.
After she made that comment my husband ignored her and was like 'yeah ok you'll start crying again' and she started yelling at my husband about how he's picking me over her and my family over her.
She started throwing insults about my family and I couldn't hold myself but to talk back to her and tell her off for being a selfish person who expects the world to revolve around her and that she needs a wake-up call that she's not the only person in our lives.
My husband told me to get in the car and go. On the ride home he said that while i was right I shouldn't have gotten involved and i should be the bigger person instead of acting like an AH like her. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
tidepill writes:
NTA. Your husband is not in an easy place, he understandably cares about pleasing his mom. But ultimately you're in the right, and it's fine for you to get involved, because it clearly concerns you.
The main reason I got involved this time is because of straight insults she said about my family. Other times she's an angel in front of me and says horrible stuff behind my back or when she thinks I can't hear her. But now this was the first time she straight up said very nasty stuff about my family.
vegetablebee78 writes:
Yeah I think your husbands an AH. HIS MOTHER is insulting your family and you are expecting to be the bigger person? Fuck that. He should have stopped his mothers behavior instead of telling you to be the bigger person. If it was me, I would have hurdled insults at the person who came after my family.
You are at the position you are today because your husband has allowed it to go on this long. Personally I would stop all holidays with MIL until she apologizes for her words.
You two both need a sit down and agree on a game plan. You need to either go low contact or no contact with her. She will not change without drastic measures, and maybe not even then. Your husband needs to be on your side fully.
My husband is on my side on this but what he wants is that I am quiet about this to his mom while he handles it so my MIL will not have a reason to talk shit about me. The thing is this woman has known me for 7 years.
Since day 1 I've always respected her and even sacrificed my own time and happiness multiple times to please her and be accepted by her and all of that is in vain. At this point I think it's pointless for me and my husband to worry whether or not I'll give her a reason to hate me. She already does without any reasons. She has no trouble making up reasons.
INFO: When the insults started flying, did husband handle it appropriately?
He ignored her as she started throwing those insults while we were grabbing our coats to leave. He was telling her "okay so you're gonna start throwing your tantrums and you're gonna cry again to manipulate us we get it" as she always does that.