'AITA for refusing to give my dad money before his wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to give my dad money before his wedding?"
Full disclosure: my (22F) mom (41F) had a one-night stand with my biological father (50M) at a super-wild party. My mom never attempted to contact her "sperm donor" and instead raised me herself. Only last year did I track my dad down using AncestoryDNA. So, I'm trying to view his life decisions as objectively as possible.
I met my dad for the first time EVER last year. It did not go well. I also discovered that his personal life is kind of a mess. He is divorced from his first wife (48F), with whom he has 3 children, 2 of whom he is paying child support for. He also squandered his ex-wife's inheritance while having affairs. I find it all disgusting.
Last week, my dad called again. He told me that he is getting remarried to a 25-year-old that he impregnated. Her parents are demanding proof that he can provide for her, but he's flat broke and owes $15K in child support/alimony. My dad asks if he can borrow a few thousand dollars to 'save his face until the wedding' (his words).
I say I'd love to help, but I'm barely solvent: I owe $100K in student loans, I earn barely $40K per year due to my 'useless' liberal arts degree (his words), my rent is being jacked up, I need to help pay my mom's medical bills, etc . . .
. . . but actually, I have $0 in student loans because I attended college on a scholarship and worked to pay off the rest; I earn six figures a year as a freelance copywriter and author; I just bought the condo I'm living in; and my mom is perfectly healthy.
My dad's ex-wife once told me that I'm more his child than any of his legitimate children: that is, I'm a complete a**#ole who doesn't give a d*$n about anyone (besides my mom). Agree or disagree?
Let's see what people had to say.
btchpleiades writes:
WNTBA. Do. Not. Give. That. Man. Money. You will probably be sparing the poor woman he's trying to marry from an awful life too. If he continues to ask, come up with increasingly more complex and/or outrageous reasons... Ie.
Your goldfish needs life support, you're saving to buy part of a Caribbean island as a time share, you have an undescended ovary that requires surgery, or your car's glow spark needs replaced, or your mom's toes fell off and you need to get her replacement toes before sandal season.
OP Responded:
Thank you so much for, of all things, making me laugh when I felt like I was about to cry (or punch a wall). I'll definitely use one of those excuses if he tries beggaring me again! I think he'll get the message quick.
Maybe offer to pay for his vasectomy! He really needs to stop k&^%$#g women up!
OP responded:
Not a bad investment, actually. I get that "high-value men" back in the day (ex: kings) used to have many wives/concubines/mistresses, but at least they could afford to support their companions and their kids. My dad can't afford the kids he's got.
Ooh, give him a really long, rambling and extremely dull inventory of all your (fictitious) debts. A guy I know did this to his family for hours once to explain why he couldn't pay money he owed. Everyone was like God, just stop talking and we'll forget about the money. Be as boring and monotone as possible. He'll soon stop asking.
OP responded:
That's brilliant!
scarybottom writes:
A boundary I learned the hard way and still struggle with- but highly recommend. You must participate in your own rescue, or I cannot. In what way is your dad fixing his own crap pile? Seems like he is just piling on more?
Also a recent response to a sort of similar conundrum on this forums: 'I am sorry that is not in my budget'. Because subsidizing your sperm donors life (which is what this would be even if you gave him 1 penny- but lets be real...he will be at your door whinging for money the rest of your life if you give him anything now), would NEVER be a line item in your budget. But it plays into his prejudice.
And funny that his ex- wife thinks you are like him? How? You are responsible, successful, and have your life together. You do not have 3 children by three different partners, paying NONE of their expenses adequately? Asking your adult child that you had 0 contact with until a year ago for money? Wow what a loser you are/ s.
OP responded:
I think I was the last resort. Ex-wife bitter and penniless. Legitimate kids hate his guts (oldest in college, so no disposable income anyway). Fiancee's family skeptical at best.