The Best Man loves to embarrass his 'buddy' with little jabs at his dating history and the Maid of Honor loves to write a little compliment-filled poem, but when the speeches stray from the standard 'congratulations to the happy couple,' script, it can be a cringe-inducing journey. So, when a disappointed wedding guest consulted the gloriously petty and judgmental group, 'Wedding Shaming,' about a particularly bad wedding speech, people who can't seem to forget that one awkward speech were ready to share.
My SO and I were at a wedding last night. We unfortunately had to miss the ceremony but were in time for the reception. I myself hadn't met the bride nor the groom before but she's a successful business woman who runs her own business and he's an engineer of some description. They've been together for a few years and have one child together
So, we've all been seated and the speeches start. The bestman starts off simply enough saying how lovely and happy they look, that the bride wanted to be a princess for one day and she certainly did, and wished nothing but good things for them - there were a few sh*tty jokes in there and then passes the mic to the groom and suddenly it turns into the f*cking Oscar winner speech - he starts thanking literally everyone and their dog.
Photographers, videographers, the band/dj, the staff at the venue, the bartenders, etc and literally says nothing but one or two things about the bride (that almost seems like an afterthought) and then he passes the mic on to the next groomsman because apparently there 'was still time' for speeches.
He starts off saying that he came to the wedding by himself because his girlfriend, the blow up doll, left him and he felt 'deflated' (hurr d'hurrr). Then he says, 'this wedding was sponsored by Tinder!' and it only gets worse from there.
He makes a few jokes at the groom's expense indicating he's a terrible engineer but meticulous and literally says, 'he's so meticulous that his ex girlfriend had a dog that died so he went out and got her the same exact dog and she said, 'what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?''
He then laid into the bride basically calling her cheap, demeaned what she does for work and offered everyone at the wedding a 50% discount at her expense and topped it off saying she doesn't look a day over 60, even though she's early 40s and an absolutely stunning woman!
He continued with some horrible and wildly inappropriate sex jokes about them as a couple and finished that bit off with saying something about how she might be disappointed but can't back out now. He droned on like this for what felt like an eternity. It was one of those speeches that just when you thought he was done, he kept going and the things he said were just progressively worse.
Anyway. He finished and handed the mic back to the bestman. Bestman starts his finishing speech with, 'I'd like the groom to take bride's hand' - says a few quick words and then finishes to the groom, 'enjoy this moment while it lasts because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.' As soon as the speeches ended the bride got up and left for a while. Understandably she needed a moment and the groom didn't even go after her to at least offer some comfort.
But the poor, poor bride. Her face during all of it... I can't even imagine what was running through her head. What makes it all even worse was that her father passed away a couple years ago and her mother is currently in hospital with stage 4 cancer. I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell those guys to f*ck off...
On a more minor note, the dj was awwwfuuuul. My SO and I were saying he was probably someone's friend or cousin and they reluctantly told him he could dj the party. I never want to hear Who Let the Dogs Out ever again.- TeaWithNosferatu
My bad wedding toast was the best man glorified the groom, what a great guy, going through their years of friendship and wrapped it up w bride you are very lucky to have him. Not a single word about her or their relationship, it was disgustingly misogynistic. The MoH got up and said I didn’t oreoare anything but after that I need to say a few words about bride.
fyi bride is an amazing accomplished physician. Thankfully she decimated his lying cheating ass a few years later and he left that marriage w exactly what he brought into it-nothing. Everything was hers w an ironclad prenup. It was absolutely glorious. Made that speech so much more terrible knowing what we know now. He was a complete pos and so are his friends. - EggplantIll4927
I went to a wedding in March where the majority of the Best Man's speech was about how he knew the bride, and a very heavy implication that he and the bride had had a sexual fling at some point in college right before the bride and groom got together, that he was shocked when the groom mentioned getting together with the bride, and that he wasn't exactly over the bride and was just standing by 'as a friend' in pain. My whole table was scandalized. - GalaxyPatio
A wedding I attended the best man was speaking for over 12 minutes (they stopped serving food while people were talking so half the people didn’t have food at this time, and the bar was closed). He was giving a detailed explanation of an amazing throw HE had done that the groom had caught during a flag football game. No mention of bride or groom apart from this. It was excruciating. The MC got up after he finally finished, chewed and swallowed the bite of dinner he had just taken, and said: well thanks for that and sat back down. - Fantastic_Log8271
My sister made a horrible speech at my other sister's wedding. The groom's brother made his speech first. It was exactly what you would want, warm, funny, talked about their childhood, how they grew into adults, and the like. My sister was next, and right off the bat was an unfunny joke insulting the groom. She insulted the groom a few more times, insulted my self, and extremely overplayed her relationship with our sister. After the wedding, I was talking to my sister (the bride) and mentioned that the speech was weird and a little insulting. My sister told me that quite a few people asked her about that speech. - TheShadowCat
My friend's dad gave a speech that included a story about him shitting his pants when he was a little kid. I was shooketh! - expensivepink
My dad's friend mentioned how many stitches her mom needed after giving birth to her. It turned out that this was the result of dear old dad sharing a joint with some of his nephews between the ceremony and the reception. He hadn't smoked since he was a kid himself, so it hit him really hard. Poor guy. He felt sooooo bad. - FreakyPickles
Last wedding I went to, MOH very, very obviously loves the bride as more than a friend. The words 'love story for the ages' were used. Also mentioned how it would be them in a different lifetime. She openly wept at the idea of her husband having her for the rest of their lives without MOH. It was awkward. - momnanthemommerian
How about this one: couple has been married before, both divorced, she has one son. The wedding official at city hall said in his speech 'You have told me you two found eachother on E-Bay. Well that figures, because that's where you find used stuff, right? - Oooh, it was a dating site! My bad!' - IShootRaw1965
I went to a wedding of a dear friend and the MOH described her as “obnoxious”, “annoying”, and “hard to like at first”. The MOH was a friend from HS, and I was seated at a table of all college friends and our jaws dropped because we all adored the bride. - MedroolaCried