April Fool's Day is nothing but a shitty window to our dumb future.
Seriously, April Fool's Day is just a reminder that we are so close to living in Black Mirror. (via Channel 4 on YouTube)
Every April Fool's Day, companies release fake products like they're show dogs, trotting them around the Internet and letting them pee on our metaphorical legs. In case you couldn't guess from my effervescent approval, I'd be fine if we eradicated April Fool's Day from the world (or at very least, the Internet.) But this "we're so clever," self-congratulatory hoo-ha from companies never ceases to amuse someone, somewhere, because this shit keeps happening.
The worst part about these April Fool's Day jokes (and pre-April Fool's Day jokes, because the "holiday" is starting to creep earlier and earlier) is how real they're getting. I get it — companies want to make up fake products that seem plausible. But as products like selfie sticks and vapeable clothing have shown us, today's jokes are tomorrow's disturbing future. Behold: Five dumb April Fool's Day products that will probably be real all too soon.
Dinner is served. J/K! Samsung is so funny! (via Samsung Tomorrow)
1. The Samsung smart knife.
Samsung's donation to the April Fool's Day crap-pile is the Galaxy Blade Edge, the world's first smart knife. While I don't think we'll ever get a knife that's fully fused with a smartphone, I can totally see some dumb company trying to sell us on knives that alert you when they need to be sharpened, can turn on your oven via Wi-Fi so you don't have to make the arduous journey across your kitchen, and raise an alarm when you cut yourself (y'know, for when you're cooking while blackout drunk).
2. Miz Mooz selfie shoes.
The only reason this isn't real is because taking a selfie with your foot does not make you look good. No matter what you do, you're probably going to be looking up your nose. A selfie bracelet that you can stick your phone into? Selfie cuffs on sweatshirts? Totally coming our way in the next five years. I mean, somebody's already been working on a real bracelet that turns into a selfie drone. Also, I hate that "selfie drone" is a real thing.
3. Google Panda.
Of course we're going to have cute robot animals that are going to answer things for us in the next five years. Hell, in Japan they're already releasing terrifying ghost-like robot babies to help senior citizens feel less lonely. Just look at this video below. I don't speak Japanese, but I imagine that the men in this video are saying something to the effect of "Our robot babies will show up in your home automatically. You do not have to purchase them. Do not anger the robot babies. We are not liable for what they do."
4. STAnder, the dating app for travelers.
STA Travel's "STAnder" app, which is supposed to connect traveling singles, is the most unoriginal of the April Fool's Day "jokes" — people currently use Tinder as a traveler's dating app all the time. (Tinder in the Olympic Village, anyone?) The only thing this added was special travel tickets for singles. That said, considering that we have dating sites now that are niche enough to target groups like those who believe in the supernatural, we will definitely have a travel-specific dating site in the next few years. Also, dear god, even if it's a prank, please have more creativity than to call your fake spokesperson "Una Niteonly."
5. Bonus: Amazon Dash Buttons
Amazon just announced their new Dash Buttons. These Wi-Fi-enabled, product-branded buttons help you reorder products when you realize you're running out. For example, if you put a Tide button on your washing machine, when you run low on laundry detergent, you just push the button, and it orders more Tide for you. People have been debating all day about whether this is an April Fool's Day prank or not, but Amazon says these are real. Are we truly so lazy that we can't even walk to our computers to re-up on our K-Cups?
The answer is apparently yes.