I turned 30 this week, which means it's time to start asking myself the big questions.
Last decade, I learned not to trust anyone else to make my damn cake.
Who am I? What is my purpose in life? How can I turn that information into a thinkpiece and get mad clicks from Internet fans? After all, if there's one thing I've learned in my 20s, it's that traffic is what really matters.
Here are 20 other important lessons I learned in my 20s:
1. It's easy to pretend to be informed on almost any serious issue by saying, "I know—and did you see that piece in the Times today?"
2. A true friend cancels when they can tell the other person isn't up for it but doesn't want to cancel cause they canceled last time.
3. The main purpose of Facebook is to talk about how much you hate everything you see people post on Facebook.
4. You can save time by going ahead and saying "I know it's extra" before you order guacamole.
5. The moment you start making custom napkins for your wedding is the moment you can no longer claim to be a laid back bride.
6. Your siblings are the only people who really get you, which is slightly terrifying because look how they turned out.
7. Everyone eats the entire box of Annie's Mac & Cheese. No reason to be ashamed.
8. Get there early for a long bus ride because otherwise you're not going to be able to get a seat next to your husband since people sitting alone will refuse to move even if you're 6 months pregnant and stand in the aisle loudly lecturing them about compassion.
9. The hardest part of pregnancy is interacting with women who enjoy being pregnant.
10. Networking may feel silly, but it's really the best way to stay on top of what's going on with your parents' friends.
11. Speaking of your parents, they're way less annoying now that you need them to babysit.
12. There's a big difference between the Bed Bath and Beyond 20% off one item coupons and the rare 20% off your entire order coupons. Also, they will honor both long past the expiration date.
13. Make a budget and then laugh and laugh and laugh until you're in a mild hysteria that can only be quieted by splurging on a Kate Spade crossbody bag.
14. It's actually weirdly hard to name all 50 states. Go ahead and try. No cheating.
15. No one reads all the way to the end of Internet lists, so don't worry if you can only think of 15 painfully honest lessons you learned in your 20s. Honestly, 15 is plenty.