5 reasons I’m jealous of really, really old people.

5 reasons I’m jealous of really, really old people.
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Really old. I’m talking ninety plus.   

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We all have those friends who say “If I ever get to be that age, just kill me.” Not me. There are some perks to that decrepit life style and I say bring it on.

1. They are finally done buying new clothes. 

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When was the last time you saw an old person with new shoes? Your grandfather is still wearing the same pair of off-brand sneakers you remember from your childhood. He’s fine with it. I want that type of freedom. Buying new clothes is expensive and exhausting. I would love to know I never have to step foot in another Old Navy to find a new polo shirt. 

2. They get credit for extremely minor accomplishments.   

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I’m talking about the smallest of not-even-achievement achievements. Like having an email account or never missing an episode of Jeopardy. I’ve heard older people touted for such acts. “She even has an iPad and she just loves it.” That’s a sentence people will actually use to brag about their grandmother. I currently accomplish so little, it would be nice to receive recognition for basic Internet competence.

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3. They never feel obligated to make a phone call.  

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The very elderly are never expected to make any phone calls ever. This sounds great. I hate having to remember to call my family. It would be so much easier to just sit around and wait them to call me.  In fact, they’d have to call me. They'd HAVE to. If they didn’t, they’d be assholes. That’s one of the few lessons I’ve learned in life: you get in trouble if you don’t call your grandparents enough.  

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4. Farts away! 

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You’re not allowed to call out old people if you smell something terrible. It might be a medical condition and you don’t want to embarrass them. I can’t tell you how many family gatherings I’ve sat through while uncomfortably holding in a massive plume of butt gas. Think how joyous it would be to just let rip and sit back in un-judged comfort. Oh man, that really does sound like the good life.  

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5. They get away with racism/sexism/homophobia. 

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As long as they don’t own a basketball team, old people seem to get a free pass on these issues. I wouldn’t mind that kind of safety net. They can say the most horrific things imaginable and the worst repercussion they face is a “c’mon, Pop” with an eye roll. I don’t have a particular desire to practice any of these things, but as time goes by, I’m becoming increasing concerned I might slip up and say something offensive by accident.

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Something like, "I'm really jealous of super old people because no one expects anything of them." That kind of thing.

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