Hi Twitter, I'm dad.
For as long as we can remember, we've been objectifying fathers; DILFs, with their enviable "dad-bods" and devil-may-care (or devil-may-have-cared-about-15-
It turns out, yes, they are, and not just in the "I'm hungry/Hi hungry, I'm dad" sense. We painstakingly curated this list of some of the funniest dads of twitter, just in time to give you something to distract yourself with while you place your obligatory call to your own family on Sunday. We suggest you follow each of these funny fathers right away!
Josh Hara doesn't just write hilarious tweets about his life as a dad, he also draws cartoons and illustrates his morning Stabucks cups and we wish he'd illustrate our lunches too.
"There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask it questions." – Children
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) September 8, 2012
Ristolable's not only a dad, he just became an uncle and we'd guess he's probably funnier than yours (sorry!).
*baby starts screaming* Whoa little guy. Stop right there. You're not born full of rage and hate. You have to earn that shit
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 29, 2014
We can promise you, this is the funniest owl-dad you will ever find and the tweet below should be all the proof you need.
[spelling bee] Your word is "spider" Can you use it in a sentence? "A spider has eight eyes." [kid smiles] Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) April 25, 2014
If it weren't for twitter, how else would we know that the lead singer of Blink-182 was just a very funny dad at heart all along?
Staying in and reading a book on a Saturday night because I am Dad and it is as the prophecies foretold.
— Dad (@markhoppus) April 4, 2015
It's probably not fair to compare your dad to another dad who's a stand-up comic and TV host, so spare his feelings and don't tell him how funny Brian Gaar is.
Well son, when you were a baby the internet and your mom's yoga teacher told us that vaccines were bad. Anyway sorry your legs don't work.
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 6, 2015
Novelist, columnist and contributor to sites like McSweeneys and The Onion, Wayne Gladstone's smart and silly humor will make you into the better person you tell your dad you already are.
My 6 yr old asked me if "satire" is like a "flat tire." I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) December 21, 2013
We double-checked, Dan did not make up a kid just to be included in our list, but we might have let him anyway because his tweets are that ridiculously funny, we couldn't leave him off.
*eating chips w/ my 3yo* don't eat too many "why?" they're bad for you "then why did mommy buy them" *stops chewing* SHE'S TRYING TO KILL US
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 16, 2015
PaperWash's avi is a roll of toilet paper holding a gun and what would remind you of living at home more than that?
Daddy can we go to the park?! *looks at 12% battery* "No"
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 30, 2014
Musky Lozenge's bio reads "Your dad's friend. You know, from work!" and we'll bet he is, but this hilarious father to a toddler is so much more.
My two-year-old is going to be up all night working on this PowerPoint but "Bring Work To Your Kid Day" is teaching her valuable lessons
— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) August 6, 2014
Wonder where the runner-up on the first American Idol is now? Oh, just an actor, singer and most importantly, a dad on twitter making everyone laugh.
Toddlers and cats share the same "it never hurts to ask" 4am policy
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) March 8, 2015
Tim Siedell may be a hilarious writer for The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore but we'll bet that hasn't protected him from having his kids roll their eyes at them, just like every other dad on the planet.
Graduation ceremony rules said I couldn't cheer as my daughter crossed the stage, so I did the next best thing and booed all the other kids.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) May 24, 2015
If, when you think "dad joke," you think ridiculousness and puns, you're thinking of Cortronic's super funny twitter feed.
4yo: "I'm sorry I spilled your scotch daddy!" me: "It's ok, son. That's why pencils have erasers." *grabs pencil, erases kid from existence*
— Cortronic (@cortronic) May 14, 2015
Pogue Philosophy's wordplay tweets will make you groan and laugh at the same time, which means he's killing it in the world of dad humor.
Son, can you please clean your room? No. Well, tidy your desk at least. No. Pick up the Legos? No. He has his mother's no's.
— Blah (@PoguePhilosophy) April 21, 2014
As a dad of humans and cats, Mark's twitter will make you laugh no matter what sort of parent you identify as.
before baby: oops I slept in past noon again lol after baby: wtf is sleep I will cut a man
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 2, 2015
If you like your dad humor with a heavy side of beautiful absurdity, Afbradstone's the dad tweeter for you.
When the baby's asleep my wife and I like to blow lines of Similac through a nasal aspirator off a Raffi LP, like we did back in law school
— afbradstone (@afbradstone) May 7, 2015
Bucky Isotope has perfected the art of the dad joke about dads: He reflects his own dad-ness back at us and we're so grateful for it.
So you had a dad day Your socks are dark brown You put your cargo shorts on And you walked around town You had a dad day You had a dad day
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 19, 2014
In just 140 characters, super funny dad Ceej creates an entire world for us to marvel and laugh at.
For sale. Baby clown shoes. Never worn. Kid thinks he's too good for the family business. Can be worn as a size 9 bowling shoe. 50$
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) June 1, 2015
Frank Lowe's bio sums it up: "I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad."
Some kid had a surprise birthday party today and my son said "IT'S SECRET LIKE BEYONCÉ'S ALBUM!" That's my baby.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) July 29, 2014
Writer for Comedy Central, Playboy, Mandatory, Vice and probably every other website that exists, Rob Fee somehow magically finds time to create hilarious content, raise a kid and still make awesome jokes about it on twitter.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
Dan Ewen's twitter handle is "VaguelyFunnyDan" but, just like when your dad claimed not to know where mom stored the cookies, he's lying, he's actually hilarious.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 27, 2012
ADadABeardACanal has "Dad" right there in his name and it's appropriate because this Texas father tweets non-stop about the exceptionally funny trials and tribulations of raising his four children.
My oldest daughter has the realization everyday that she has to go to school everyday from now on. It's like Child Memento.
— ADadABeardACanal (@Dadbeard) Sept 5, 2012
Look, it was nearly impossible to pick just one dad tweet from Jeff Lyons so pretend we didn't, go to his page and laugh at the dad jokes for the rest of the day.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he's wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert".
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) April 2, 2014