Welcome to a wonderfully NSFW collection of the world's best dirty jokes! Some may go too far for you. Some not far enough. But we hope most will make you laugh so hard you sprain a rib. Sit back and let us offend you!

1. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

2. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.


5. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

6. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

7. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


8. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

9. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

10. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.


11. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

12. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

13. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

14. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

15. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

16. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

17. What do you call a guy with a small dick?



18. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

19. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

20. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.


21. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

22. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.


23. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

24. What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

25. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

26. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck on his cock!

27. What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?

Kermit the frog's finger.

28. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

29. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!


30. Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.


31. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

32. Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

33. What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

34. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

Even thoughts can raise them.


35. What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

36. How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

By the taste.

37. What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

38. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A liquor cabinet.

39. What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

40. Who's the biggest hoe in history?

Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Sources: Thought Catalog | Jokes4Us | Quick Funny Jokes