Today's teens, like the rest of us, are always on their phones. Everywhere they go, teenagers are Snapchatting, Facebooking, Facetiming, taking selfies and posting pics of their latte foam art to Instagram. It's a complete and total nightmare!
This is nothing like when I was a teenager in the late '90s and early 00's. Back then, a cell phone was a cumbersome, useless device that your parents kept in their car for "emergencies." So us '90s teens were forced to go out into the world and actually ~*live life*~. Here are some of the fun and wholesome activities that we enjoyed that today's teens are missing out on because they can't tear their faces away from their devices:
1) Smoking pot out of an apple.
Today's teens can literally get high at the click of a button thanks to newfangled "vape" devices. Or they can buy marijuana at a store or even order it online because in some states it's not even illegal, which takes all the fun out of it you ask me. In my day, we had to carve a hole in household fruit and then stuff weed in there and try to get high that way and occasionally it worked. We also had to get our definitely very illegal pot from this sketchy guy we called "Weed Willy" who claimed to be a student at my high school even though he looked like he was over 30 and was never seen in class. Is there an app for that, teens? I bet not.
2) TPing public property.
Teens today take for granted how easy it is to torment friends and strangers simply by following and then unfollowing them on Instagram. Back in my day, ruining someone else's day just for kicks was called "pranking" and it often involved wet toilet paper and public property, for some reason—like a mailbox, or a neighbor's front yard. Today's teens are so busy Snapchatting they probably don't even know the joy of ruining someone's property for no reason except to feel alive.
3) Smoking cigarettes at gas stations.
I grew up in the era when smoking was no longer socially acceptable and teens had to sneak around and smoke in secret (while many of our parents did the same thing). One of the best places to smoke was a gas station, mostly because you could also get snacks there! Smoking in the presence of gasoline, I would later learn, is extremely dangerous and a bad idea. But what did I know? I was a teen! Today's teens have access to Google and they probably know better than to smoke at a gas station. Many teens don't even smoke at all. They're missing out on so much, like lung cancer and other diseases, and fun!
4) Sneaking into the "sex ed" section at the public library.
In the '90s, if you wanted to learn about sex, you had to really put in the WORK. The internet was just as untrustworthy as it is today, but with much less information. Plus, in the 20 minutes it took for a pornographic page to download, your dad could walk in and you'd have to quickly click out and then start all over again. In the '90s you had to learn about sex by sneaking into the "off-limits section" at the library (librarians know what you're doing, btw). And even then, your education was limited to pencil drawings and goofy cartoon pictures of the reproductive system. I didn't fully learn how sex works until college and even now I'm not totally sure. Which is how it should be! Today's teens know too much about sex. Where's the fun in that???
5) Shoplifting from Claire's.
I don't condone shoplifting. It's wrong, and the stakes are pretty high if you get caught. But how can you call yourself a teen if you don't know the adrenaline rush of stealing a $5 necklace from Claire's Accessories at the mall? How can you fully reach adulthood if you've never once laid awake at night, tortured with the guilt of having taken something that you ended up having to throw away anyway because it turned your neck green? Today's teens are so busy chasing Pokemon around or tweeting and other legal activities, they probably don't even commit petty crimes anymore.
Look, teens, I know it's hard. But don't forget to look up from your devices every once and a while. Look around you. There's a whole world out there to destroy.