All the sticky, unnecessary, and downright confusing contents of a real woman's purse, listed.

All the sticky, unnecessary, and downright confusing contents of a real woman's purse, listed.

My bag is that perfect “could hold a human head but absolutely would not be able to smuggle out a whole body" size. I tend to acquire things at random and like any normal non-hoarder, toss them in my bag thinking, "I'm sure I'll throw this away and/or vitally need this later."

Here's what's in my purse:


The bag.


What's inside.

  • A second smaller purse
  • Fashion Tape (I don't know what this is but a magazine once told me it was VITAL and I assume that in the zombie apocalypse maybe it finally will be?)
  • An orange slap bracelet that says “PERFECT"
  • A small plastic baggie with 4 pills that were not prescribed to me
  • 2 Band-aids, 3 Splenda packets
  • A sample of fancy hair conditioner with most of the print worn off
  • A Washington State Ferry Seattle to Bainbridge ticket stub (I do not live in Washington)
  • 2 mascaras, 2 eyeshadows (unused & exactly the same color), 3 eyeliners, 1 eyelash curler
  • Oil absorbing sheets (generic)
  • Oil absorbing sheets (brand name)
  • Folded, photocopied article on therapeutic exercises, with handwritten notes that were not made by me
  • Sheet of stickers (with 2 heart, one monkey and one giraffe stickers missing)
  • Single serving bottle of Grand Marnier, half-empty
  • Tweezers
  • One pregnancy test (unused)
  • Agents of The Internet Apocalypse by Wayne Gladstone
  • Promotional USB phone charger (passengers in my car with nearly dead phones have asked me if I've had such a charger, I've always said no)
  • "Dude Wipe" (no clue. I have no clue)
  • Sock monkey baby booties (never worn)
  • Whatever this is
  • New York City metro card, expires 8/31/15 (I do not live in New York)
  • Dayquil
  • Matches
  • More oil absorbing sheets
  • 3 phones, all Blackberries, 2 dead
  • Sealed, unopened 4-in-1 Pur Mineral Tinted Moisturizer (Does anyone want this? Please, it's brand new, take it from me, I can't throw it away, it's SEALED!)
  • 4 pens & 2 ponytail holders
  • Gum
  • Scented candle (half-used)
  • 2 combs
  • Yellow highlighter that has come open at various points and randomly highlighted items in my bag, probably desperately trying to point out things that it cannot believe I haven't thrown away
  • Flashlight
  • Deodorant
  • Knee-high socks, purple
  • 4 lipsticks (Amount of times I've worn lipstick in the past year= once)
  • Native American stone arrowhead (Native. American. Stone. Arrowhead.)
  • Parking ticket
  • Wallet containing 27 different “frequent buyer" cards for various coffee, sandwich and smoothie shops, all with one stamp on them, nine away from getting my free latte.
  • A single green lime
  • The letter “P"

Notably absent from my purse: money.

You might think that taking everything out of my bag so as to photograph and list it would be the perfect opportunity to also clean out my bag and get rid of unneeded items. You would be wrong.