Does your sense of personal cleanliness always seem a little more "relaxed" than everyone else's? Did you ever buy socks and underwear to avoid doing laundry? Have you ever shown up to work to find your desk cordoned off by crime scene tape? It's possible you might be a garbage human. Take this quiz to find out.
[Clarifying paragraph (a "clarigraph"): When I say "garbage human," that is in no way meant as disrespect to actual sanitation workers, who are doing the very respectable (and odious) job of dealing with our trash. Nor am I referring to one's morality—this isn't about being "human garbage," it's just about physicality.]
1. How would you describe your "look"?
a. "Picture perfect."
b. "Employable human."
c. "Sewer sloth."
2. What's the longest you've gone without washing your hair?
a. Not more than a day (unless there was there was a specific reason you couldn't).
b. You manage to wash it at least every few days.
c. Sorry, what is this "shampoo" stuff?
3. Have you ever eaten food that's fallen on the floor?
a. No way, that's beyond disgusting.
b. You have occasionally called the 5-second rule into play.
c. You prefer to eat your food directly off the floor whenever possible.
4. Have you ever worn the same clothes two days in a row?
a. Absolutely not.
b. It's happened, but only a few times ever.
c. Not only do you wear them twice in a row, you probably slept in them, too.
5. Describe your oral hygiene.
a. You are your dentist's favorite patient.
b. You brush and floss pretty regularly.
c. You have been known to wipe your teeth on the sheets and pop a breath mint.
6. What's the state of your home on any given day?
a. Ship shape.
b. Reasonably neat and clean, but you're not obsessive about it.
c. Dumpster fire.
7. What's currently in your bag or backpack?
a. Only the necessities, and it's very organized.
b. It can be a little cluttered, but you can find what you need in a flash.
c. God only knows. Definitely some snacks, though.
8. If you have a car, how tidy do you keep it?
a. You like it to look brand new.
b. It's not always perfect, but you do your best and no one's ever complained.
c. You are considering moving into your car permanently, simply because it's becoming too hard to extricate yourself from the growing pile of trash that you've let accumulate inside it.
If you've answered "C" to two or more of these questions, face it: you're a little garbage-y. That's not necessarily terrible, though. On the plus side, your "c'est la vie" attitude is commendable and at least it doesn't take you an hour to get out of the house every day (when you can locate the door). On the not-plus side, you're kind of gross and your mother would be embarrassed because no way did she raise you like this. If you answered "C" to more than four or five of these, you will almost certainly die alone where no one will find you for at least a week. But there are worse things that could happen, right?