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I'm starting to feel like maybe some of the new styles of jeans coming out, like the clear knee mom jeans (what?) from Topshopand the all the way clear ones (but…why?) are just clothing companies trolling us. Like, there's a room full of designers coming up with ridiculous ideas and cracking up thinking of which ones consumers will buy. Not only are the jeans pretty cuckoo bananas, so are their price tags.

So this leads us to Nordstrom's latest offering: the pre-dirtied Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans, which can be yours for the mere price of $425 bones. Now, typically when I buy new clothing, I wash it before wearing it, because you just really never know. In this case, I think you're probably not supposed to wash them—ever. Unless the dirt is…permanent?

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It's all very confusing.

Look how great they look with those boots that have clearly never been worn outside.
Look how great they look with those boots that have clearly never been worn outside.

On the Nordstrom website, the jeans are described like this:

“Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”

Right.

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Except, afraid or not, you clearly aren't actually doing any of this down and dirtying, because otherwise you wouldn't need to spend hundreds of dollars on muddy jeans.

Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs and a man who is very familiar with being overwhelmingly dirty (and not from clothing he purchased that way) wrote a review of these jeans on his Facebook page.

This morning, for your consideration, I offer further proof that our country’s war on work continues to rage in all...

Posted by Mike Rowe on Monday, April 24, 2017
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His whole review is great, but can be summed up by this part:

The Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans aren’t pants. They’re not even fashion. They’re a costume for wealthy people who see work as ironic – not iconic. To them, might I suggest the revolutionary new "Borax Wash," which I discovered some years ago while rescuing birds who had the misfortune of falling into Searle’s Lake in the lovely and picturesque town of Trona.

If Nordstrom’s wants to carry them, the description would read something like this:

“Finally - a pair of jeans for the hard-working gent who doesn’t want to actually wear them. The Borax Wash is so rugged and so manly, they don’t even need a human to hold them up! So sit back and relax, secure in the knowledge that your work pants can’t be folded or stored like other jeans. Show the world you mean business by owning the only jeans that can’t be worn! The jeans, that can stand on their own!”

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Here's an idea, fellas—get a pair of regular ol' jeans, wait for a rainy day, and just throw them in the mud! You just saved yourself hundreds of dollars. And if you want them to look even more "rugged," save time by just running your car over them a few times. Voila! You are now more manly and hard working than you ever thought possible. Enjoy wearing these jeans to meet the fellas for some local microbrews, and then heading back home to chill on the couch and play video games. You've earned it.