Father’s Day is just around the corner, and nothing says, “Thank you for being a positive male role model” like a tie your children bought at TJ Maxx for six dollars.  

Thank you for your innumerable sacrifices, dad. You have given up your time, your disposable income, your rapidly waning energy and the precious remnants of your youth. Please accept this tie as our way of saying, “We don’t really understand you, but we are fairly certain you have a job in an office?”

Ties have not been indicative of the complexities of fatherhood…until now. Instead of wearing your tie to whatever mind-numbing job you desperately want to quit in disgust, brainstorm something new and original. You are limited only by your imagination and also, obviously, by what your wife will let you get away with.   

10 Creative Uses for Father’s Day Ties

1. Tie-ing your kids’ doors shut.  

A wonderfully simple life hack. Enjoy your peaceful evening with full access to the pantry and television.  

2. The Peace-and-Quiet Tie Blindfold

For those of you uncomfortable with the idea of literally tying your children’s doors shut, just cover your eyes with this handy Brooks Brothers’ Blindfold and then ignore whatever happens for the rest of the night. (This is easier said than done.)

3.  The Tie-Pad

Is your child begging you for an iPad? Take the tie she gave you last Father’s Day and redesign it using fabric markers to create “a Tie-Pad: Half tie, half iPad.” Give it to her for her birthday. When your daughter shoots you an angry look, you can say, “Oh cool, now we BOTH got gifts we didn’t want.”  

4. Message in a Bottle

Using a technique familiar to shipwrecked sailors, write a message on a tie saying that you are stranded (“Please send help—I am trapped in a $400,000 split level ranch home in the suburbs with a wife and three children,”) and leave it in a bottle for other people to find. If you are lucky, maybe someone will rescue you.  

5. Incorporate Ties Into Your Sex Life

People who can’t think outside the box are going to immediately think I mean that you and your wife should tie each other up with ties during sex but no, get a life, that’s not what I meant at all. I was thinking you could cut up the ties and sew them into tiny adorable tie condoms, like something J.Crew would sell if J.Crew sold condoms. And then if you have leftover ties you could enact that role playing fantasy your wife has where she’s an 18th century milkmaid and you’re an overzealous, time-traveling tie salesman. (HAVE FUN!)