It's election night and, win or lose, we're either going to drown our sorrows in booze or celebrate our victories with ... booze. Here are some candidate-inspired cocktails to help you put the election—and yourself—to bed.
Donald Trump's P***y Grabber
4 parts of "the best" vodka (whatever Putin drinks)
1 part maraschino liquor for an unnatural hue
1 part Goldschläger
3 dashes of orange bitters for obvious reasons
1 twist of orange
Serve in a glass small enough for any adult's hand.
Hillary Clinton's Nasty Woman
1 part tequila (preferred by "bad hombres")
2 parts clam juice
2 Parts tomato juice
A few healthy splashes of Ninja Squirrel Hot Sauce sourced directly from Hillary's purse
1 splash fresh lemon juice
Mix over cracked ice in a lowball glass.
Mike Pence's Punisher:
2 parts Lemon Zinger brewed Tea Party tea
1 part soda water
Shake together with disdain, add 1950s-era lime garnish.
Tim Kaine's Triple Threat
1 part Governer's White wine
1 part Senator Lager
1 part El Mayor tequila
Combine all parts, stir for 30 years.