Last month, The New York Post reported what everyone who has ever purchased a chopped salad knows deep down: those salads are unhealthy and expensive. In fact, some of the allegedly healthy salads workers woof down at their desks can have as many calories as a McDonald's Big Mac.
Hey, you get what you pay for. Yes, that bowl of vegetables and fried chicken and croutons and pita chips shampooed in Ranch dressing isn't necessarily good for you. This is common sense. Look, enjoy what you eat. Even if it's a salad that you'll have to work out for two hours to burn off. Life is short. Shut up and eat.
The problem with chopped salads isn't even that they're a waste of money. You know how much money you have in your bank account. If you can afford a ten dollar salad, then by all means buy that ten dollar salad. It's not the salad's fault if you can't afford a ten dollar salad. It's your fault. Manage your finances better, friendo.
The problem with chopped salads is that they're infantilizing. People who pay a premium for a chopped salad obviously like paying a stranger to cut their steak into tiny itty-bitty pieces. Chopped salad is just pre-chewed food. It is the ultimate status symbol for trendy professionals on the go. If you like chopped salads, it's because you are sooo busy you don't have time to chew your food. You need someone to dice it and, as a consequence, save you a few minutes of working your jaw.
Did you eat a chopped salad today? Okay, good, because this is for you. I am writing with you in mind. Here's the deal: you should just order a regular salad. Or you can pay me a small sum of money and I will chomp your salad into a wet mulch. Then I will cradle your head in my arms and slowly spit the chopped salad into your open mouth.
In conclusion: chopped salads are the kind of fad that you'll have to explain to your children. How will you do that with a straight face?