Why you shouldn't teach your kids to read. They inhibit your sign-writing vocabulary. (via)

His mother taught him to just brush it off, but Tommy had other ideas. The Pumpkin Thief Murders, coming to a theater near you this Halloween.

Those parents are going to feel real bad if the thief was just hungry and wanted to make pumpkin soup for their starving kids. But we all know it was probably just somebody who wanted to have sex with a Jack-o-Lantern.

Sources: Redditor ZeroCool79