What your store-bought couple's Halloween costume says about your relationship.

What your store-bought couple's Halloween costume says about your relationship.

Your couple's Halloween costume is the purest visual representation of the love that you share, and more often than not it's a cry for help, or at least a cry for couples counseling. To make sure you pick the right get-up, here is a brief analysis of five of the more popular couples costumes being sold and what they say about the state of things between the wearers.

1. The couple that simulates sex by dressing up as something that gets shoved inside something else.



Get it? It's just like vaginal intercourse, something that completely bewilders us!

Analysis: If you wear this costume you're announcing that your sex life is somewhere on the scale between "unimaginative" and "non-existent." That's the only explanation for why your "sexy" couples costume is the equivalent of a middle schooler's finger-in-the-hole hand-gesture. You just really aren't sure if there's anything more to it than that. Others will see your costume as a plea for erotic awakening and will hopefully woo one or both of you away from each other, accepting you as a pupil to their sexual mentorship, opening your eyes to vast worlds of erotic abandon, worlds far beyond missionary position vaginal lunges, worlds that you never imagined possible.



2. The couple that thinks it's hilarious to cross-dress and maybe owns it a bit too much.


Let's agree to never discuss how natural this feels.

Analysis: You share your friends' suspicions that one or both of you might be gay, but you're trying to hide your concern behind an "open-minded" gender reversal costume. Both of you are worried by how turned on you are, and even more worried by how insistent one of you was that you go with this costume. By the end of the Halloween party, you'll have made many new discoveries about yourselves, about how blurry the gender line can be, and about how comfortable it feels for male genitals to be tucked between one's legs for hours at a time.



3. The couple whose obsession with babies confirms they should never reproduce.


We're dressed as the argument for free and easily accessible contraception.

Analysis: You're either expecting and so unimaginative that you can't think of anything to do for Halloween but shove your pregnancy in your friends' faces again, or you're trying desperately to have a baby and it's tearing your relationship apart. You spend your days casting blame upon each other for your infertility. "You drink too much and it's weakening your sperm!" "You waited too long to try and we're running out of time." Finally, you decide to dress up as infants to get into a baby's head and find out why one won't be born to you, not realizing that this costume is so repulsive it could even scare spermatazoa into swimming away from an unfertilized egg just to prevent you from being responsible for another life.



4. The couple that literally wears their dissatisfaction on their sleeves.


I have an idea honey. Let's dress up as the cliché of marital disillusionment!

Analysis: Your decision to dress up as a "Ball and Chain" or "The Seven Year Itch" or "The Couple From The Best-Selling Thriller, Gone Girl" tells the world that you can't conceive of a relationship costume that doesn't somehow communicate your complete unhappiness with your relationship. The fact that you'll probably spend the entirety of Halloween night bickering isn't enough to communicate that your relationship is all about emotional blackmail and resentment, you need to wear a costume that conveys it visually as well. After all, there are lots of children out on Halloween, and it's important you teach them that love is a lie.



5. The way too comfortable with their bodies couple.


We're basically too scared to just go ahead and attend an orgy.

Analysis: You two probably met at a Halloween party back when you were single and using Halloween as an excuse to dress as slutty as possible. So why stop now that you're in a relationship? Unfortunately, neither of you feels like your hotness is being sufficiently validated by having sex with the same person all the time, so you're most likely dressed half-naked in an effort to lure someone back to your bedroom for the night, either to be a third party or just to watch the two of you have sex and voice their approval of your attractiveness. Unfortunately for these kinds of open marriage situations, you might be able to get rid of your Halloween costume, but it's not as easy to get rid of the gonorrhea you're guaranteed to have contracted by dawn.