The human body is a very complicated thing, and studying its many intricacies takes years—a doctor has to go through college, med school, an internship, and a residency before they're fully doctored-up. But sometimes they don't even need to rely on that fancy schoolin' to provide vital medical information to a patient, because sometimes that patient is amazingly dumb. Here are some doctors who shared on Reddit the most obvious things they had to explain to adult people.
1. Dr_J-ND is like Dr. House over here, diagnosing the impossible to diagnose.
That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.
2. Yes, yosol, but according to the very accurate poem, "First comes love, then comes marriage…"
That having sex gets you pregnant. It was a 20+ year old woman that couldn't grasp the idea that sex leads to pregnancy. She thought that in order for a man and a woman to have children, they needed to be married first and then have a baby. That sex was just an act unrelated to it.
3. That day Warningwaffle wrote a prescription for sandwiches.
Patient comes to ER, 19 year old male, I'm getting his history. Why are you here today? "Every morning when I wake up my stomach hurts." How long has it been hurting? "All my life." Well what is different today that's made you come here? "My girlfriend doesn't think that is normal." More questions, exam by ER physician, lab tests. The abdominal pain always goes away after he eats. Always. He wakes up hungry. He thinks it is pain.
4. GimpyTreat is more of a Pepsi fan.
Don't put your kids to bed with a bottle with Coke in it. (They then switched to Diet Coke).. facepalm
5. According to tuki, the common cold is not so common if you're common.
Christ, the number of times I have to explain colds to adults. You're 40 years old, you've probably had 100 of these, how have you not figured this out yet?? Do you come to the doctor every time??? Antibiotics won't help, drink fluids, sudafed, and write this shit down for next time
6. Doctor s_dot_p could've also explained that canes make a great prop for dance routines.
I was doing my rounds and saw a patient out of bed and walking around the floor following a knee replacement. She had a cane in her hand that she was carrying like as a solider would carry a rifle. I asked what she was doing and what she thought the cane was for. She replied she thought the cane was for pushing people out of her way since she's now "handicapped" and it wasn't to help her walk on her post op knee.
7. Take it from a doctor named newrabelizaba: 32 is too young for menopause.
A 32 year old grown man asked me if the hot spells he was experiencing at night meant he was going through menopause.
8. Doctor ffxivfunk is right, plus the drugstore has candy bars and magazines.
That coming to the ER for a pregnancy test is a very very expensive way to do it. Apparently she didn't know you could buy one at the Rite-Aid down the block. Seriously, don't come to the ER for a pregnancy test, cause the test results won't be the only surprise you'll be getting.
9. NassemSauce says you apparently can't just freshen up your asthma.
I saw a patient for a follow up after three ER visits in as many days for asthma. He was from another country, so this was the first time I ever met him. His lungs sound absolutely terrible, but he swears he is taking the inhaler every 2-4 hours with no relief. This raises suspicion to me, as the same meds are working in the ER. I ask him to show me how he is using it. He holds it about a foot away from his mouth and does two puffs like Binaca and swallows. I felt really bad, he had never received any education about his illness or medications.
10. It's likely that the person smokesmagoats talked to probably didn't know what a period was either.
I worked with a woman (27) who claimed she was a nurse before. She thought HIV magically manifested if blood was involved in sex. I made a joke about having sex while on my period and she was genuinely concerned about HIV. I explained one of the two would have to be infected for that to be an issue. I ended with telling her to google it.
11. Cochupo knows this girl who's way too thirsty. (This is not a feeble attempt at slang.)
woman in her 30s came to consult because she was feeling weird in the mornings since forever. I asked what her symptoms were and she told me that every day she wakes up feeling her mouth dry, and that feeling disappears in about one or two hours. "well lady, how many water do you drink?" "Hmm, one or maybe two glasses, one at breakfast, and one middleday"
"Do you know what thirst is?" "Yeah, when you drink water so you can piss"
So I had a conversation that took one hour long about what thirst is and how it feels, also I had to told her that she needed to drink more water.
12. It's simple math, Ngr101.
Working in a rural OBGYN clinic, I told a pt to try Vitamin B6 to help with her nausea and morning sickness. She called back a few weeks later and told me that Walmart did not have Vitamin B6 so she bought B12 and has just been cutting them in half
13. Here's a story from barkingspider05. It's about boning.
Surprising number of people that don't know that a broken bone and a fractured bone are the same thing. You try to tell them in layman's terms that a bone is broken. Immediate response is , "well, at least it's not fractured." Other times, you say, " yes, your bone is fractured." In a relieved tone, they reply, " at least it's not broken." There is no winning here.
14. User sbutac is a big shot fancy doctor who makes big bucks, so apparently they don't understand what it's like to be frugal.
I was consulted on a patient in the ER who had eye pain (I am an ophthalmologist, different than an optometrist). It ends up that he had worn a contact in his eye for 8 months without removing it. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had found this contact on the bathroom floor of a club...popped it in and it helped him see better. I didn't ask a lot more questions about the specifics. He had a rip roaring corneal ulcer. I gave him some antibiotic drops and set up a follow up. Didn't see him again until about 7 months later, when he showed up in the ER again after wearing a new set of contacts for 6 months. These ones he had found in a dumpster behind a drugstore, albeit they were unopened this time... We had another conversation about sleeping in contacts indefinitely.
15. This one from forthstories is a cut above!
I had to explain to a grown ass (circumcised) man what circumcision was.
16. A patient of nelzborg was not ready for this jelly.
I once had a patient complain about her vaginal jelly prescription. She claimed it didn't work and wanted a different prescription. She explained she used it every day but hated the taste. The prescription read apply as directed every day. She had been applying it to toast and eating it for several days.
18. This story from RJB5584 has so much medical stuff and sexy romance that it could be an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
"Is it true you can give yourself Hep C?"
"It's cool; I just share syringes with my spouse/partner/lover. We're in a monogamous relationship, so we're safe."
No, you're not.
19. Doctor Mike101111101010 couldn't help this patient, but DR. STRANGE could. (Pretty sure he's a psychic, right?)
I'm a doctor and a patient literally asked me "Oh I have a quick question to ask you." I said what. And he literally WORD FOR WORD said "Sometimes I talk to people and it's like they can't hear me"
Curious, I asked him to explain more. It went on for a good amount of time until I realized he meant he was talking in his mind and he didn't understand why people couldn't hear him when he did that. He was 100% serious too. He always had that question and was too embarrassed to ask.