Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.

Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.

There's a reason we make doctors go to college for seven years, but that doesn't stop patients from thinking they know what their problem is, even if it's physically impossible. Who among us has not thought they'd contracted Ebola or become host to an immaculate conception? These 12 medical professionals have heard it all, and shared it all on Reddit. Here are the craziest medical conditions patients have ever convinced themselves they had:

Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.
WebMD: No matter what your symptoms, it's always cancer.

1. ​Tacosplusmeequals had a mother who apparently has never looked at her own tongue.

My mom took my sister and I to the doctor when we were kids because we had weird bumps all over the back of our tongues. We were diagnosed with tastebuds.

2. ​qriousgeorge learned something new about billions of people.

ER doctor here. I had a patient insist she had a fever once and when I pointed out that our thermometer did not record a fever she told me "I'm not sure they taught you this in medical school but when Asians get a fever their temperature doesn't go up."

Yup, I missed that lecture.

3. ​Danimerry's patient answered the eternal question: which came first, the chicken wings or the cravings?

Had a patient come in once due to weight gain that she thought was due to being pregnant. Made sense, except she'd taken more than half a dozen pregnancy tests and they were all negative. She was convinced she was pregnant though, and wanted me to check. I tell her ok, I'll do a blood test, since we can detect pregnancy earlier with that, and she refuses. Says that she just wants to pee on the stick in front of me and have me read it. So I say sure, and lo and behold, it's negative.

Little more questioning, and it turns out she'd been eating literally nothing but chicken wings for weeks. When I asked her why in the world she would do that, she replied that she just really liked chicken wings.

Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.
In her defense, chicken wings are effing delicious.

4. The appropriately-named redditor ​"allergist" had a patient who thought she had really slow-acting STDs.

I had a patient a few weeks ago who was in her late 80's come in worried about having a sexually transmitted disease. She goes on to tell me that she hasn't had sex since her husband died.

In 1994.

I am an allergist.

5. ​pharmaSEEE regularly has patients who think they have a disease you definitely don't want to look up on Google.

Pharmacist here. I've had more than one patient run to me screaming that they looked up their rash on WebMd and must have Stevens-Johnson syndrome.

Actual diagnosis: contact dermatitis from laundry soap.

Edit: if you begin taking any medication (especially lamotrigine, Bactrim, or carbamazepine) and develop a rash, then yes you should call your doctor immediately.


6. ​Kingofclean had a patient who did actually have a fascinating disease, but merely a psychological one.

ER and family practice mid-level here. Had someone come in one day saying they had wires and fibers under their skin, including a little ziplock bag of (you guessed it) wires and fibers that they had pulled out, he said with a needle. Now, this is Morgellon's, a well known psychological entity, but to see it so blatantly like you read about in the text books just blew me away. He actually believed it. Very unsettling.

Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.
Pretty Sure Arnold Schwarzenegger has had half of these illnesses.

In reality, Morgellon's is a psychosomatic disorder where patients are convinced they have (you guessed it) wires and fibers under their skin. They also typically collect these and bring them to doctors. According to Wikipedia (yes we realize we're teasing people about WebMD and then researching Wikipedia), the fibers patients bring in are usually cotton, perhaps loose threads from shirts.

7. Hoax13 had a patient who wouldn't know she had a baby if it was screaming in front of her.

Not a doctor, but work in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. One night we were called to Labor and delivery for a preterm delivery. NotAMom called 911 because her stomach hurt alot and she thought she was dying. At the hospital ER it was confirmed she was pregnant and in labor. The whole time we were there she kept saying she was dying and why wouldn't we help her. OB key telling her she was in labor and to push each time she felt pain. She kept yelling "It's just gas! I've had gas for a while, but it won't come out because I'm dying!" Fast-forward to baby coming out. OB hands the baby to the nurse who then shows NotAMom her baby. NotAMom says "That's not mine! I have gas!" Nurse places the baby on her chest and says "Well, here's your gas. It's a boy!"


8. ​HotSauceIsBest found out even pets can get misdiagnosed.

Vet student here. I've had some dude with a super aggressive dog diagnose the poor thing with "neural instability" (causing his aggression) from an online consultation with a homeopathic shaman. He then came into the clinic with instructions from the shaman that he wanted the vet to carry out (including rubbing the dog all over with a $200 "healing stone"), despite the fact that the vet had obviously the more reasonable explanation.

He didn't want to believe leaving a dog in the backyard without much human/animal interaction for most of its life could cause aggression. Go figure.


9. ​BPSteve had to work on symptoms from memory.

I work in physical therapy, and once had a guy with dementia say "I know I'm in pain...but I just can't remember where". I felt bad for laughing about it later but I had never heard something like that

10. ​BuzzLiteBeers shows why sometimes pronouns can be important.

I had a psychotic patient tell me he was pregnant.

Doctors share the weirdest self-diagnoses their dumb patients ever gave themselves.
See? (It's not a tumor.)

11. ​traumaprotocol had a psychotic patient that made his problems seem a lot cuter than they were.

Psychotic patient tried to convince me he had "Kittens playing inside (his) chest".

Not so much. The atrial fibrillation and palpitations were real, though.


12. One former patient, FerrisTM, chimed in to remind people that sometimes the brain just really, really, really believes things that aren't true.

I'm not a doctor, but I've been the crazy patient. Earlier this year I had a conversion disorder, which, for those who don't know, is when a person "develops" a disease and presents symptoms, but the whole thing is actually taking place in their heads and they're fine. Within several weeks, I systematically lost my ability to walk and was terrified. I saw a series of doctors, and they theorized everything from MS to ALS, so I was pretty sure I was dying. I ended up in a hospital, but by this time I was starting to doubt myself. My reflexes, MRI, and other tests had all come back normal, and I could do things like jump, but not walk. Finally, my first night in the hospital, I spent several hours convincing myself that I was making it all up and that my family and loved ones would forgive me if I just made it all go away, and that it would be okay. So, I got up to go to the bathroom...and was fine. This experience still haunts me as the single most embarrassing and humiliating thing that I have ever done, even though I thought that it was real. Even though it was months and months ago, I feel terribly on a daily basis for scaring my family and friends, and for wasting so many doctors' time. I'm glad that I discharged myself from the hospital before they had the opportunity to run anymore tests.

Tl;DR: Not a doctor, but once wasted countless doctors' time and resources after inexplicably convincing myself that I was losing the ability to walk.


Bonus: Lazoord has the most terrifying story of all... one where the patient was right. (Pericarditis is an inflammation of the tissue surrounding the heart.)

Paramedic here, technically not a doctor but here goes. Walked in the door to a young male with chest pain. As I walked up to him and introduced myself, he said "I have pericarditis". I felt like telling him, "umm not sure how you would know if you did, but we'll run some tests and see what we have." Put an ecg on, took him to the hospital for more tests. We found out the final diagnosis by the hospital staff was, surprise surprise, pericarditis. So there you have it, the patient was right. I still have absolutely no idea how this kid knew that.