Are you in average-to-bad physical shape and relatively popular? Let's change that! Being likable may have been cool in the 20th century, but today, it's all about being super fit while alienating everyone close to you. Here are six fitness trends that will transform you into the hot, insufferable lunatic you always dreamed you could be:
1. Aerial yoga
Do you do yoga? Good for you, but so does everyone—even cats. If you want to stand out as the most unbearable member of your friend group, try aerial yoga, in which you do yoga poses while suspended above the ground in a fabric hammock. This exercise will help strengthen your core while transforming you into the kind of person who says things like "strengthen your core."
Spinning is the ideal fitness regime for those of you who want the athletic perks of biking without the hassles of being outside or going anywhere. Indoor cycling programs like SoulCycle involve a lot of peddling on a standing bicycle, usually while techno music blares and an instructor yells at you.
After just a few weeks of spin class, your heart will be as hard as your calf muscles. No one can hurt you. Not even your friends who no longer call you to hang out (because whenever they do, you keep suggesting spin class).
3. Tough Mudder
Tough Mudder was invented by a British Harvard Business School graduate and a former corporate lawyer, in case you thought something involving this much mud couldn't be pretentious. Participants in this endurance event go through a 10- to 12-mile-long military-style obstacle course, which includes challenges like the "Arctic Enema," in which you plunge into a dumpster filled with ice water, or "Electroshock Therapy," in which you have to cross a pit of mud with electric wires dangling above it.
What a fun way to spend a Saturday! This fitness trend will put your friends' cute little workout routines to shame. They won't even dare to mention exercise in your presence, or talk to you at all.
4. Marathon running
It's not a real sport unless you pee yourself while doing it. That's why marathon running is the sportiest sport of all. It pushes your body to the max of what it's capable of, while pushing all your friends away. Don't forget to talk about your marathon on social media. Also get your run sponsored to raise money for a good cause, so everyone knows you are both athletic and virtuous! You are literally a god.
5. Treadmill desk
One of the biggest challenges of office life is how to let your co-workers know you are better than them every day without directly telling them? Solution: the treadmill desk. Hook up a treadmill to your standing desk and watch your slothful co-workers writhe in resentment as they sit at their desks all day, slowly killing themselves.
After a month working at your treadmill desk, you will look hot af. Also you'll probably get a raise after all your co-workers suddenly quit because they couldn't stand your incessant jogging at work. Win-win!
CrossFit is kind of like boot camp. It's perfect for those of you who want to be physically prepared to fight in a war, but just for fun (and a sick bod). The timed workouts encourage a sense of camaraderie among members of this highly-exclusive (and often expensive) program, all factors which make it the perfect fitness trend to drive your friends completely crazy with irritation. But you know they're just jealous of the fact that your body looks like a pile of boulders.
The best thing about CrossFit is telling people you do CrossFit. So have fun at your next party! Because it might be the last party you get invited to for a while, you hot, insufferable lunatic.