One of the problems with dying, other than that whole "no longer getting to enjoy life" thing, is that you might still take up physical space. This is true even if you minimize that physical space by becoming to a pile of ashes. Instead of being an urn burden (aka a "b-urn-den") on your loved ones after you die, you should plan ahead to have your ashes made into one of these actual items that you can put actual ashes in. They might not all be useful, but they are, at the very least, an unusual and/or good way to horrify the more delicate members of your family (because that's everyone's goal after they die, right?).
"Diamonds are a girl's best friend" is a statement you can make literal if you have your ashes turned into diamonds (or other gems) and then give them to your BFF. LifeGem takes your ashes (or your hair) and turns them into manmade diamonds, as in diamonds made from Man.
LifeGem's diamonds are also great if you want to take your dead wife and secretly have your new wife wear her on your finger, because you definitely don't have any issues and are totally ready to love again.
2. A Tattoo
If you want to literally get under someone's skin, many tattoo artists will mix ashes with tattoo ink on request. The tattoo could even be of a pile of ashes, if you want to forever be remembered in your final form. This tattoo studio blog has a couple pictures of memorial tattoos made with ashes. They look...like tattoos.
3. An Hourglass
Whether you were highly punctual in life or the exact opposite, putting your ashes into one of these hourglass keepsake urns is a great way to remind loved ones that while your time has run out, you can still literally count down the hours into eternity.
If your biggest regret in life is "I wish I had scared more dogs," then this is the end for you. Multiple companies, including Heavens Above Fireworks, Heavenly Stars Fireworks, and Angels Flight will scatter your ashes by loading them into fireworks so your loved ones can watch you explode and then rain down upon them. The video above is an actual memorial fireworks display from Heavens Above Fireworks, using the remains of someone named Ruby.
Make "shot through the heart, and you're to blame" even more literal by having your ashes put in a bullet casing. Well, casings. This process gives you a lot of literal bang for your buck (or the buck your loved one is shooting at). According to Holy Smoke, which provides the service, "1 Pound of ash is enough to produce 250 shotshells."
6. Cremation Art
The businessy-sounding business "Cremation Solutions" will take a favorite photo, painting, or quote and then "tastefully" (their term) add your ashes to the image and lock them in place with a layer of glaze. Cremation Solutions assures potential purchasers that the ashes are "fully visible and touchable," so if you want to give your ashes to someone who can gently fondle them for eternity, this is a great method for you.
7. Glass Sculptures
If you'd like your remains to look like the ceiling of The Bellagio in Las Vegas, glass artists such as Beverly Albrets are able to mix your cremains into glass used for ornate sculptures. Presumably, you could also find a glass artist who would be willing to mix your ashes into a glass candy dish, which your living loved ones can use to terrify children.
8. A Reef
Eternal Reefs is a company that takes your remains, combines them with concrete, and drops you underwater where what's left of you gets to serve as a giant version of a fish tank castle. You'll be placed with other eternal reef pods to create a larger reef, because just as no individual man is an island, no individual dead man is a reef.
Part of the goal of Eternal Reefs is to give fish a habitat, because their natural habitat of coral reefs has turned out, sadly, to be not-quite-eternal.
9. A Tree
Bios biodegradable urns grow a tree that's fertilized by your ashes. Perfect if you think that death means turning over a new leaf, you're looking to get back to your roots, or you want to branch out into new opportunities. But you probably shouldn't go this route if you hate puns.
10. A Vinyl Record
And Vinyly will take your ashes and press them into a record and record whatever sounds or songs you want on it (for example, you could record your voice repeating "I'm disappointed in you" over and over and will the record to your children). The company can also make records out of the remains of just some of your body parts if you still want to be (mostly) buried. Just pick which limb(s) you don't want in the afterlife, and you're good to go.
11. A Dildo
You knew this was coming, right? And your living loved one will be coming too with this glass dildo that has a gold insert that can hold up to 21 grams of ashes. It has lots of
creepy special touches, like a small scent diffuser in the dildo box that you can pre-load with your favorite perfume. (Post-load, the dildo can be put back in the box.)