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A new study says castrated men live as much as 20 years longer than guys with testicles — news that would make eunuchs everywhere smile, if they were still capable of happiness. "Wow, you mean I get two extra decades of waking up every day with a useless tube of flesh hanging lifelessly between my legs, wondering aloud in my unusually high-pitched voice when this cosmic joke of an existence will finally end? Pass me the garden shears!" Look, if you want 20 years of sexless misery, just do it the easy way and get married.

Sources: The Atlantic