The definitive ranking of sleeping positions, as depicted by some very uncomfortable-looking dolls.

The definitive ranking of sleeping positions, as depicted by some very uncomfortable-looking dolls.
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8. On your back. 

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Sure, it can get the job done, but it’s pretty boring. Who do you think you are? A character in Little House on the Prairie who has to sleep with her sister on the tiny bed that Pa made? Have fun with the post-nasal drip.

7. The Thrasher.

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You throw punches and kicks all night without knowing it, turning so much in your sleep you wake up wearing your sheets as a toga. Do all your dreams take place in the mosh pit at a Pearl Jam concert?

6. Spooning.

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Yeah, it’s romantic, but have fun with the morning breath. I’ll bet you are the kind of couple that takes zany engagement photos like one of you is pretending to squish the other in his fingers as you stand off in the distance.

5. The Runner.

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As if your bed was a hieroglyphics panel depicting a marathon, you have one leg bent and the other back. What are you running from, friend?

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4. Fetal position.

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It’s like being back inside a warm womb, where your mother brings you endless nourishment, comfort, and warmth, where you didn’t have a responsibility or care in the world. By the way, why are you so obsessed with your mother?

3. The Hamster Nest.

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I learned this from the pet hamsters I had when I was a child. Before they sleep, they build up a barrier of wood shavings around them and snuggle in. When you use pillows in this way, it feels like you are sleeping on a cloud. Be warned: sometimes you don’t have the pillow quantity required or your significant other may not want to be sleeping with someone that takes cues from hamsters.

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2. The Pillow Hugger.

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No, it doesn’t mean that you are using the pillow as a substitute significant other; it means you’re happily cuddling with something that doesn’t expect anything from you afterwards. There’s also something nice about having one hand hidden, so you can hold onto a weapon or even better, a snack.

1. Dead Man's Float.

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You are face down, arms and legs slightly spread, as if you are floating on the water. Because you are a highly evolved human, you also have the foresight to leave one bare foot sticking out of the covers to regulate the temperature, just as you would open a window to catch a crossbreeze. You crafty genius, you. Sweet dreams.

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