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An AskReddit thread prompted sperm donors to share the kind of porn they were provided at the sperm bank, but it ended up getting a lot more detailed than that. People couldn't help spilling all sorts of wet, sticky details about the process of getting strangers pregnant—and it turns out the conditions at your local sperm bank aren't as luxurious as you might hope.

Get ready for double entendre and borderline erotica.
Get ready for double entendre and borderline erotica.

1. Kindiana explains the type of creature comforts you can expect when you get there.

I went about 10 years ago to get my count checked, I was 19 and having nut pain. They didn't even give me a room, they gave me a cup and sent me to the restroom....a public restroom. I couldn't afford a cool phone at that time so phone porn wasn't an option. I couldn't get it up, no matter how many shits people were taking.

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(We're pretty sure that last bit was a joke.)

No wonder public restrooms are so gross.
No wonder public restrooms are so gross.

2. Displacedyoop found himself racing against the clock.

I had to get my sperm checked while I was in the army. I walk up to the counter confidently, not nervous. I've been to Iraq and beat off everywhere, this is no big deal. The guy behind the counter I knew from the last place I was stationed but didn't know he was here in Oklahoma too. So we talk for a second and he looks me up, hands me a cup and says "You'll have to have this back to us in a half hour." He doesn't show me a room or anything, just hands me the cup. So I figure I'm on my own. Now a half hour is not enough time for me to go home, pull one out and get back on post. So I'm searching for a restroom in the hospital that I can lock. I find one that is near a small exit door and get down to it. Turns out the bathroom is next to a pediatric clinic. So I'd be getting close to finishing (no visual aids either all mental microfishe) and some kid would be screaming while being drug down the hall by a dependasaurus and down I'd go. I'll never accept defeat though and completed the mission. I discreetly smuggled my jar of jizz back to the lab. I pass it back to the medic (same guy) and he gives me this horrified look. He says, "We needed it back a half hour AFTER completion." I turned very red and dashed out of there. I'm an idiot, and have a normal sperm count BTW.

Edit 1 : You've popped my gold cherry! Thank you sir or ma'am!

Edit 2: Just to clarify we were trying to have a baby that's why I had to give the sample.

Edit 3: EL5 edit, I thought they needed the sample back a half hour after they guy gave me the cup not a half hour after I came. So I beat it in a hospital bathroom for no reason. Just another thing the army made no fun for me.

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3. This was is worth it for the sign. Commenters said D-Rex475 should have stolen it.

The first time I had to have a a test done when my wife and I were conceiving was terrible. They sent me to a hospital, I was basically walked into a public bathroom and they told me to lock the door.

When I left I noticed they put a sign on it that said "Specimen Reterival In Progress Do Not Disturb". I then had to make the long walk of shame down the hallway with a cup of jizz. 1/10 would not reccommend.

Do not disturb.
Do not disturb.
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4. Ifelloffmydinosaur is using his experience as a way to teach his kid about sex.

My wife and I had to go through fertility treatments and part that was for me to get me sperm checked, freezing some for future use, etc. Anyway there was a container with Manila folders in it with different types of porn listed. They had the standard Playboy and Penthouse magazines and some DVDs but they also had categories including Gay and Lesbian. At the time I was confused about why a fertility clinic would have gay porn, but I later realized that gay men could donate sperm for other use. The best part is I now have a really weird birds and the bees story to tell. "Well when a man loves a woman very much they spend thousands of dollars, and the woman gets an IV in her arm and is given a lot of drugs. Then the man goes into a small room with various forms of pornography, masterbates, worries that the nurse outside the room is timing him, hands her a warm cup of semen and then nine months later a baby is born"

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5. When you're done, just remember, you're being judged on your timing.

I also had to have my boys tested for fertility reasons.

When I got to the lab the receptionist was quite hot. She took me into the room where there was a comfy chair, a tv and a DVD player with a selection of videos.

I managed to find one with one of my favorite starlets so I made quick work of the job.

Maybe too quick.

After I finished I realized I had only been in there a few minutes. Not wanting to not impress the receptionist I just sat there in the room for another 10 minutes. Me and my cup full of boys.

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You never want to impress the receptionist in this situation.
You never want to impress the receptionist in this situation.

6. Sneekysnakes hopes the receptionist likes him, but she was probably just doing her job.

I was a sperm donor back in college. They had magazines in the rooms, playboy, penthouse, etc. And then they have Barely Legal. Now here's the thing about that magazine for those of you who aren't familiar: it's not just girls who have just turned 18, it's girls who have just turned 18 but look like they are 12. Flat chested, completely shaved, pigtails, sucking on lollipops, the whole nine. Super creepy stuff. Now here's the thing, you don't really want to use the magazines. The idea of holding something a million other dudes have held while jacking off is kinda gross. So go for the DVDs.

They had about 20 different DVDs that they would only rotate out every six months or so. Most of them were tame, but there were a few that were just BRUTAL. Like some of the most disgusting shit I've ever seen. Now, there was this incredibly cute girl that worked at the desk where you got the DVDs (and also handed in your cup o' spunk). Not wanting to look through the DVDs and pick out one to my liking and seem like a total perv, I would always ask her to surprise me. Somehow, she always picked whichever one was the ass-gapingest, rimjobbingest, throatfuckingest, hardcore DVD that they had. I'm not sure if that's what she thought I was into or trying to give me a subtle hint, but I generally just ended up using my phone instead.

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7. This tale from androlyn is oddly the theme of the thread.

I had to get my sperm checked. I was told to collect a sample cup in my local doctors and my sperm sample should be no more than an hour old. I drove to the city centre hospital in early rush hour morning traffic and when I got there the lady asked for my sample. I asked where the room was and she said that they didn't provide one, I needed to do it before I got there. I was driving for an hour and a half, the sperm sample can be no longer than one hour, how is that possible? She just looked at me blankly and repeated they didn't provided rooms.

So I went to the nearest hotel bathroom. It was quite possiblly the lowest moment of my life. I was wacking off in a busy city hotel cubicle that had a constant flow of people coming in and out. I could smell the early morning poopers as I tried to strategically ejaculate into the sample.

I got back over to the hospital with my shame filled sample in hand. I gave it to the lady at the desk and she actually asked where I went to collect the sample. I felt like throwing it over her.

Tldr: The lowest point of my life.

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Fitting, since this list is essentially an Adam Sandler movie.
Fitting, since this list is essentially an Adam Sandler movie.

8. And after reading yayforcookies's experience—how about some soundproof bathrooms?

I had to bank some of my stuff a few years ago. The room had a modest collection of trashy, third-rate magazines (Latinas with big fake tits - that sort of thing). There was also a collection of equally trashy DVD's to be played on a sad, 15" TV mounted near the ceiling. I didn't use any of it.

The experience didn't stop there. The wanking throne was a regular office chair with a couple of dog training pads covering the cloth. Lube was available in the form of packets of "lubricating jelly" (the sort of thing a doctor uses during a prostate exam). The icing on the cake was the thin walls. I could hear every word spoken in the waiting room ten feet away and the cartoonish laughing of the doctor running the clinic.

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9. At least Pedrosneakyman may have gotten a part-time job out of it.

I was providing a sample as part of the process of IVF treatment for my wife. It was 7am in the morning and I didn't have too much of an urge to provide 'the goods'. Turned on the WD Live attached to the TV in the 'sample room' and was subjected to a cavalcade of awful Asian porn with screaming teenagers with pimples and way to much hair. I needed to crack open the smartphone and browse my history to 'hit the mark'. When giving the specimen jar back to the collection team, I asked whether they would like me to come back one day and refresh the library from my own extensive collection. A week later I dropped in after closing and added some decent material...