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Unless you are trying to star in a romantic comedy, the last thing you want to do is wake up in a hospital without any idea why.

The odds that you'll wake up engaged to Sandra Bullock are pretty slim.
The odds that you'll wake up engaged to Sandra Bullock are pretty slim.

The only real upside to waking up in a hospital is that you actually woke up. That, and now you have something interesting to say at parties for the the rest of your life. Here's a collection of 14 people telling their story about how they went through the most confusing and terrifying few minutes of their lives, and didn't even have a new fiancée to show for it.

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1. Nougat has a great example of why you should stay off the grass.

I was twelve in 1982. Woke up in a hospital bed feeling fine, no idea what happened. Nobody else in the room.

Last person I remember hanging out with was my friend, Scott, so I call his house. His mom answered, advised me to call my parents. No answer at the home phone.

So I'm sitting in this bed, trying to figure out why I'm even there. I finally discover that the rolling table over the bed opens up, and there's a mirror under the lid.

Across my forehead and down the whole right side of my face are fresh abrasions. "Ohhh, that's why."

Finally get hold of Scott and learn the story (which I still don't remember).

Was riding my bike down a sidewalk near the grade school. Sidewalk takes a 45 degree left turn, and I cut the corner. Grass is deep, and a little wet, and my front wheel catches on the edge of the sidewalk, flipping me over. I landed on my face, dragged against the other edge of the sidewalk, knocked out cold.

Another neighborhood kid was in the area, hustled back to alert my parents. My Dad took me to the hospital in his car, and I woke up the next day.

Yes, my parents just left me in the hospital by myself.

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2. ekibnur teaches us how not to learn chemistry.

I was teaching an organic chemistry lab in grad school. Student asked a question so I turned around to answer and woke up in the hospital later that day. Student had poured fuming hcl in the wrong beaker and it was giving off a weird gas so he pulled it out of the fume hood to ask me what was wrong and stuck it directly in my face.

I don't know what he put it in, but it was apparently something pretty bad.

Nighty-night!
Nighty-night!
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3. TorchTheRed knows exactly why you should always wear your seatbelt—and sit on a seat.

I hopped into the back of a mate's pickup after a rugby game, went to sleep and woke up in ICU in traction with no feeling from my waist down. Turns out we had a head-on collision with a drunk driver and I went through the back of the cab picking up a host of broken body parts including four compressed vertibrae. A year and a number of surgeries later I walked out of hospital an inch shorter and with enough metal in me to set off metal detectors as airports.

4. The only thing Ask-For-Free-Advice remembers about her experience is that she can no longer handle fake watermelon flavor.

18 year old me got super wasted on Smirnoff Watermelon vodka at some little club in Clearwater, FL. Apparently I fell off of a tall barstool and busted my head. When I woke up, I wasn't even sure what state I was in. Accidentally called my friend's mom in North Dakota trying to get a ride to somewhere other than the hospital. A decade later and I still can't drink anything with that watermelon flavor.

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5. How long after tatteredemalion woke up do you think everyone in her family started laughing at this great visual?

happened when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I fell down the stairs after stepped on my own trousers

Pete Campbell was always kind of a baby.
Pete Campbell was always kind of a baby.

6. very_cool_stuff got a really rough Easter surprise.

My brother and I were outside playing with squirt guns (this was 2001 so I would have been 11). Next thing I know it's Easter Sunday, I was in a hospital bed with a massive headache and blurred vision and the last thing I remembered was 4 days ago. Apparently I fell backwards and smacked my dome on the curb hard enough to fracture my skull and bruise my brain. Got 2 weeks off of school which was cool back then and I've had to wear glasses ever since. Apparently, according to my mom, the first sign of consciousness in the hospital was me getting out of bed, taking a piss on the floor, and then going back to sleep for two more days. The whole thing was a weird experience.

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7. al_molah's life was saved by her brother and some good timing.

Diabetic, went to sleep normally, woke up 2 days later in the hospital.

I got too low while sleeping that i passed out, fortunately the time i passed [out] was close to the time I'm supposed to wake up, my brother found me half dead and took me to the hospital.

8. wooddoug only remembered what happened once he realized he wasn't dead.

I didn't die in a motorcycle accident. It was a pleasant surprise.

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9. SSinscreed swam at a pool that had the necromancer as its lifeguard.

Was at the pool, next thing I know I wake up in a hospital bed, feeling very cold and my throat hurts. Turns out I had actually drowned, but the lifeguard had pulled me out and reanimated me for about 45 min. Then I was flown to the hospital by helicopter, where I lay in a coma for 2 days, during which they kept my body temperature low (to prevent cerebral damage caused by lack of oxygen). I could go home a week after the accident.

10. do_you_like_my_nuts is really lucky he woke up or he would have ended up with a really funny tombstone.

Was knocked out by flying squirrel while bike riding near my house.

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Worst last moment. or best?
Worst last moment. or best?

11. SneakIDPls has a story about "getting into a groove" during a heat stroke.

I was running a half marathon with a friend and we had just passed the 10 mile mark and I felt like I was getting into a groove after I struggled a bit the previous few miles.

Woke up the next day in the ICU with my family all around me. Heat stroke + Rhabdomiliosis. I was admitted with a temp of 108.6 and they were telling my family to prepare for the worst. Had to stay in the hospital for a few days and then take it easy for a few months but otherwise came out unscathed. Don't recommend it.

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According to yrgrlfriday, this is really common:

I'm a running coach, and you'd be surprised how many runners who fall ill with heat stroke mention finally feeling smooth or relaxed or "in the groove" right before they collapse. Sometimes they even stop sweating, say they feel better, then hit the pavement.

12. kefkaeatsbabies woke up to find out that a murder may have taken place in her honor.

Cut a guy off while bartending in college. He wasn't too happy, grabbed a bottle, and chucked it at the back of my head as I turned around. Woke up in a hospital bed with my best regular and his wife ensuring me I'd be ok and the guy wouldn't 'be a problem.'

Super reassuring other than the fact this was a pretty unsavory biker bar and the regulars, though amazingly kind and loyal to me, weren't the most savory human beings. 38 stitches, a partially shaved head, and 3 days later I was at lunch with the same regulars.

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13. pumpkinbread987 went from riding horses to getting a CAT.

I was riding my young horse, in training to jump. We rode up to our first 3ft jump. He stopped, so I started preparing to turn him around and try again. He then reared up and hurled himself over the jump. I was completely unprepared for him to jump. I fell off at the apex of the jump.

That's all I remember from that day. Apparently I took his saddle off, hosed him down, and drove myself home. Next thing I remember I was being wheeled in for a CAT scan. I broke my back (this wasn't discovered until MUCH later since I was still mobile) and fractured my skull. My helmet was in 3 pieces.

I still own this horse. He's 22 now and we still ride. Just...no jumping.

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Why get a horse to jump when you can do it yourself?
Why get a horse to jump when you can do it yourself?

14. And finally, erigunn just walked into the wrong store at the wrong time.

I was shot in the stomach at about two feets range by a guy who had the gun in his backpack.

He was in the process of robbing a story when I walked in, and I didn't see it happening as he had the gun hidden, and a lot of other people in the store didn't know either. I asked him if he was in line, because he was kind of to the side, and he turned and fired. I don't remember anything from after entering the store. The rest I've had pieced together.

He shot me three times, hitting mostly muscle, but also one kidney. I'm entirely fine today, but that was a fairly alarming realization of how close I came.