Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.

Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.
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In an innovative new study, women chose their perfect penis from 3D-printed models.

Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.
Hats off to you, fellas, but this is a different kind of model.
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Since the dawn of time, men have been insecure about their penises. And they should be – those things are weird. Regardless, some women seem to enjoy spending time with them, and even have their own preferences for what makes one better than another. Now, men need no longer worry about how their unit measures up. Researchers from UCLA and the University of New Mexico have conducted an exhaustive (and exhausting) study to find the perfect penis, and published their findings in the journal PLOS One.

Of course, this isn't the first scientific study to tackle this subject. In fact, most studies are about it. But previous versions have usually relied on women comparing 2D images of flaccid penises, which is no way to judge. That's like deciding which is your favorite Transformer based on what they look like as cars!

The authors of the new study used cutting-edge technology to 3D print penis models of various lengths and girths in hard, hard plastic. Assembling 33 of the models in scientific baskets, they challenged 75 female volunteers to grope around in there until they were holding something they liked. This method produced a more accurate result, because it allowed the women to judge based on the way the penises felt, in addition to how they looked. According to the paper:

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“Humans judge sizes most accurately when visual and haptic information are available together… Both sources of data are usually available in sexual interactions.”

Hell yeah they are. The researchers also printed all the penises out of blue plastic, “to minimize racial skin-color cues.” After all, there aren't any rumors about blue guys having big ones (yet).

Insecure scientists had women choose their ideal penis. The results were blessedly reassuring.
It's like something out of

The women chose their ideals penises for both a long-term relationship and a one-night stand. The results for both were surprisingly close, and definitely reassuring. Any nervous wreck of a man who thought all women wanted a giant porn-style salami should be very relieved.

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For a long-term partner, the women on average specified a length of 6.3 inches and a circumference of 4.8 inches. That's not much bigger than the American average of 5.6 inches, and way off the pornstar penises that are most men's only means of comparison. For one-night stands, the women politely requested a length of 6.4 inches and a circumference of 5 inches – just slightly bigger so the night will be memorable.

Sexual psychophysiologist Dr. Nicole Prause, the brains behind the study, told The Daily Beast that "men should be thinking ‘fit’ rather than ‘fat’ with respect to their penis size,” and that "women may prefer different sizes for different reasons at different times, so chances are very good any guy is someone's ideal for the relationship type they are seeking.” And that isn't just reassuring pillow talk – there's science behind it! She added that men who envy a large penis don't always think about the consequences:

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“There is a cost with a larger phallus. All intercourse causes tearing and pushes bacteria into the vagina. A larger phallus probably causes more tearing and may push more bacteria into the vagina: not a good long-term option.”

That's an excellent point. Your average penis may not help you get work as a pornstar or a human hatstand, but it makes you marriage material. And you don't want to end up like this guy, whose 19-inch penis is ruining his life.

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