This is it: the moment Santa finally realizes that giving toys and electronics to ungrateful children at no cost whatsoever is essentially the worst business model of all time. And what does he have to show for it? White hair, chronic back pain, cinnamon-clogged arteries, and a wife who looks like Betty White and hasn't talked about anything but cookies in 275 years. He's not so different from us: advancing age, crappy job, unsatisfying marriage. In fact, is there room on that street corner, Santa? We've got a half-empty bottle of Evan Williams and we would suddenly like to join you.