Pregnant woman furious husband wants his mom in delivery room.
You'd think that by 2022 we'd have all figured out that birth is a traumatic experience and the mom-to-be should be the only person whose opinion matters (well, besides the doctor).
But some people still seem to think they get an equal say in the birth plan, even though a separate fully formed human is not emerging from their body. One mom has taken to Reddit to ask if she's wrong for 'rudely' telling her husband that his mom can't be in the delivery room. Yikes!
The mom-to-be says her hospital is now allowing two people in the delivery room:
So for context I (28F) am currently pregnant with my partner (31M) and am a first time mom. My hospital recently changed their policy and are now allowing two “support people” in the delivery room. My mother in law (MIL) made comments early on that she wanted to be there for the birth, and this woman is not subtle.
At the time I felt protected by cvd protocols, but set that expectation straight. I explicitly stated that ANYTIME I give birth it will be a private medical experience that only includes my husband and medical team.
She didn't think this would be a problem:
I thought that it was clear it wasn’t a debate because it’s my body and I have the autonomy to decide who sees it in any context. Additionally, I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. She just recently started initiating positive interactions after years of me trying, and its absolutely because she’s an “IT’S my grandbaby” person.
But her husband seems confused:
Recently my husband told me we needed to have a discussion. He starts off by saying he mentioned the support person protocol change to his mother. I tried not to react but immediately I blurted out asking him why he would do that.
He goes onto say he knows his mother “really wants to be in the room to see the baby’s first breath.” I replied logically, “if your mom sees their first breath she will also see me pushing and will be looking down at my vagina.”
It still didn't work:
I actually had to explain why I refuse to give birth in front of his mother. I then told him that there are only two priorities in the delivery room and neither of them are his mother or her feelings.
He didn't seem to understand:
The “discussion” continued back and forth. Finally I started crying, I told him that labor and birth will be most painful and vulnerable experience of my life and that I need him to protect me.
I told him that anyone who refuses to protect their pregnant partner failed them and is just deadweight in the delivery room. My husband told me I am “rude,” (other negative things too) left our apartment, and when he came back he wasn’t speaking to me.
She told him he was being immature:
This is where I think I could be TA. I told him giving me the silent treatment -because I won’t let his mother spectate as my most intimate area rips open- was very immature and made me worry if he has the emotional intelligence to support me in the delivery room.
I think my husband took my hint, but I didn’t explicitly say that I can decide he won’t be allowed in there either. I will say I would be devastated if I had to do that and never thought this would EVER be a problem during my pregnancy.
She provided some extra information about the argument:
Info: I did cuss when talking about “f****** ripping” but that was it. I also wasn’t yelling, but I was sobbing loudly enough during it that my neighbor next door knocked to check on me after he left.
And some more context about her own family:
I have a mother and two sisters (both moms) who I love endlessly but I didn’t ask any of them to be in the delivery room because I only want my husband there.
Also I did not yell at my husband at any point during this interaction, I was sobbing. I didn’t lose my cool, in fact my husband’s screaming was why my neighbor in the apartment next door heard and came and knocked after he left.
She told me when I answered the door (I move slower these days) that she was so glad I answered because she was considering calling *** (sorry not sure if those numbers aren’t allowed here, so just incase)
The people of Reddit agree whole-heartedly that she is not the a-hole in this situation.
jammy 913 says:
Your husband pulled a moronic move going behind your back to let MIL know she MIGHT be able to be in there. That, my dear, is fully 100% up to you. In fact, I think you need to let the staff know that under no circumstances is she allowed in the room. Give them a close up mug shot of her.
9okm had a suggestion:
This is insane! Hold your ground OP.
Edit: Ask your husband how he'd feel if your Dad chaperoned a future vasectomy. You know, to provide support and coach him through it. Some people need analogies...
MsBaseball34 also has an idea:
what is with all the MIL's in the world suddenly deciding they need to see the birth of their grandchildren? No MIL I've ever met thought she 'deserved' to be in the delivery room. It's completely up to YOU who is in the room. But - beware she might try to sneak in. Make sure the hospital staff knows it just you and your husband. Maybe have him watch a video of a live birth so he understands how absolutely vulnerable you will be in that moment.
eaca02124 thinks the mom is 100% in the right:
She wants to see the baby's first breath? So she's going to be hovering and getting in the way of your medical team doing their jobs? Hell no.
I mean, also hell no she cannot be there if you don't want her for any reason. Your delivery, your call. The only reason for anyone to be in that room is to help you and the baby.
If an adult woman can't drop some f-bombs while discussing her own vagina with her own husband, I don't know what the world is coming to.
The_final_frontier sums it up:
Your husband is immature and insensitive. The labour and delivery will be the most vulnerable moment of your life and your husband is basically emotionally abandoning you and prioritising his mother’s feelings over yours. It’s utter selfishness and callousness.
And Eladiun had the best idea:
While you are in the delivery room get the doctor to cut your husband's umbilical cord too.
She responded later to say she was going to stand up for herself:
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts everyone!! I’m sorry, I’m trying to answer all the messages, thank you endlessly to all the people who shared their personal birth stories with me and offered advice and information.
There are some wonderful strangers out there! I see some comments worried about my safety- I promise I am safe and will try to provide an update if needed! One update I can predict now: my MIL will not be in my delivery room!!