Welcome to the one page on the internet that shall not mention politics or the president.
Enjoy this apolitical laughs without being reminded of He Who Must Not Be Named's existence.
While watching a movie with a boyfriend’s family I fell asleep. In the silence of the film I passed gas so loudly it woke me up- everyone heard it.— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) May 28, 2018
That young man claimed the fart as his own- that’s when I knew he loved me.
I married him. Today we celebrate 13 years together.
This pep is blowing up on Insta so I figured I should share with you all. pic.twitter.com/kzxiFPeQ2i— April Lavalle (@imatoofbrush) May 31, 2018
White people can remember every Seinfeld episode ever, but need to be reminded every six months that comparing black people to apes has racist connotations.— Melanie Dione (@beauty_jackson) May 30, 2018
I've spent the last hour trying to recover the password for my therapy app, this feels like a deeply uninspired episode of Black Mirror— Bronwynner (@BronwynIsaac) May 30, 2018
Overheard a woman crying in the next dressing room. Summer is upon us!— Liz Magee (@JokesMagee) May 26, 2018
DRAKE: “My name is Drake and I’m here to say / let’s diss pusha in a crazy way!”— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 30, 2018
PUSHA: “Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia.”
i am:— moon lady (@shay_dust) May 30, 2018
🔘 pegnate?? Help!?
🔘 can u get pregante...?
🔘 will my get pragnan?
🔘 if a women has starch masks
Things that make me think about the Parent Trap:— Scarlett Curtis (@scarcurtis) May 30, 2018
- Oreos & peanut butter
- fancy London roads
- summer camp
- phone booths
- coat cupboards
I think about the parent trap every day.
this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 31, 2018
Can ABC cancel my friend's baby shower?— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 29, 2018
please venmo me for the emotional trauma sustained from ending your text with a period— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 30, 2018
Last night I went to a James Taylor concert (I AM A NICE JEWISH DAD FROM NEW ENGLAND!!) and the most charming thing happened.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 1, 2018
WOMAN IN CROWD: I LOVE YOUUU!
JAMES TAYLOR: Wow.
JAMES TAYLOR: This is very sudden, and I can't explain it. But I think I love you, too.
by age 35, you should know when a joke has run its course— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) June 1, 2018
my dad’s new favorite game is guessing celebrities that i send him and i can’t get over this response pic.twitter.com/Q2T7hzejCq— Martha Tesema (@martesema) June 1, 2018
long live the king pic.twitter.com/TNazufQYDz— Hans Zimmer BWAAAHHHHH sound (@GraceSpelman) May 30, 2018
Having a kid is an expensive and cool way to let people know you aren’t a virgin— Jackie Carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) May 29, 2018
I am still signing books. I am going to lose my arm. Wouldn't you guys rather have my signature forged by John Legend? That seems cooler— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 27, 2018
I just learned that there are harvest mice that sleep in tulip petals.— Kelli Russell Agodon (@KelliAgodon) May 31, 2018
There is good in the world. pic.twitter.com/L30fJLxcXk
Me at 17: Hope I get into a good college!— Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) May 31, 2018
Me at 27: *eats and fucks literal mud* “I think that’s enough adulting today ! “
My mom at 80: “Hey share some of that mud to fuck. I’m your mom. I raised you now you raise me” *fucks mud*
THEY PUT OUR SCHOOL'S THERAPY DOG IN THE YEARBOOK pic.twitter.com/FYHMMcqddB— Daily Mail Sucks (@elle91) May 29, 2018
Lesbian couples inherently have more privilege than heterosexual couples as both partners can refer to the other as 'my wife' in a borat voice, whereas in the hetero couple, only one party can refer to the other as such. Gay male couples have the least as neither is the 'my wife'— zoe ✨✨ (@bbyspinachspice) May 28, 2018