Since I don't want to be in hell by myself, I figure forcing a bunch of random strangers on the Internet to commit blasphemy would be a good way to make sure I have some company as I roast in a lake of fire for all eternity.
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that's what all the rest of us are doing too— the hippo account (@InternetHippo) September 21, 2015
vibrators are WRONG and unnatural the bible said adam and eve not florence and the machine— Becky (@SAlNTKARDASHIAN) May 18, 2016
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 21, 2016
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
Anyone who asks, "Why does God let bad things happen to people" has clearly never purposefully drowned one of their Sims in a pool— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 28, 2015
remember teens: even Jesus once logged off for 3 days— lawblob (@lawblob) June 22, 2014
Judas: still on for Friday?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
On the 7th Tweet he rested.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 1, 2014
when you're catholic & you forget to go to church on ash wednesday pic.twitter.com/uWtAalZ20h— nathan (@hosterthepeople) February 11, 2016
god: u gotta build a boat— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 31, 2015
noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 3, 2015
me: good friday. we call it "good friday"
jesus: what the fuck
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.— Miss Leah (@LeahsLounge) September 23, 2014
Me: I know you from somewhere— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I'm sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
[in heaven after crucifixion]— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 15, 2015
jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there"
god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
*knock on door*— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
[last supper]— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 4, 2015
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Noah: Two? Why two of every animal?— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) March 30, 2015
[God whispers in Noah's ear]
Noah: nice lol
And God said unto Abraham, "j/k u don't have to sacrifice ur son but im seriously flattered u can kill this sheep instead and make me Uggs."— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) May 1, 2014
And on the seventh day God look on that which he had created and he said unto it: "Fuck it, send."— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2015
God: Babies will come out your vag.— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 23, 2015
God: You’ll feed them with your boobs.
Eve: Dude. All I did was eat an apple.
22.-24 Removed for Heresy
When God closes a door, he opens a window. And then a couple of tabs so he can toggle between various genres of porn.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 29, 2015
God said to Noah "Build me an ark", then He slipped and His big papier-mâché head fell off, and Noah saw He was Dave, who wanted a free boat— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) September 20, 2015
27. Was smote down.
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?"— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 15, 2012
Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus."
Jesus: "I forgive you."
God: kill your son— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 11, 2015
God: holy shit I'm jk
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
[god, creating ducks]— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
"Jesus, what about where there only one set of footprints?" "Oh, for-- Yeah, man. I left you. You're a needy whiner who can't let shit go."— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) April 7, 2013
"Welcome to McDonald's, what'll it be?"— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 29, 2015
Jesus whispering "5000 Filet-o-fish, and hurry"
"5000 FILETS DAN"
J "Shh, keep yr fuckin voice down"
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013