10. Patricia Krentcil - While it would be cool to have a mom who looks like freeze-dried Han Solo at the end of Empire, it can't be easy to see her constantly being stopped on the street so people can scold her for wearing blackface. Though we don't think a 6-year-old who isn't on the pageant circuit should be tanning, it is nice that Patricia wants to include her daughter in her
hobbies dangerously unhealthy obsessions.
9. Michelle Duggar - Michelle Duggar is clearly a sex addict. There's no way you can get pregnant 19 (21? 50?) times without getting banged every ten minutes. Being Michelle's child means being neglected while she chases the almighty dong with single-minded determination for her next ride. She makes us appreciate our mother for not putting out nearly as much.
8. Mayumi Heene - We're not pissed that she scammed the country into thinking her son was in danger. That's just being an enterprising mom. It's that the kid never even got to fly around in that super-cool balloon. What kid wouldn't love that? Sorry Mayumi Heene, but since you used your kid for a publicity stunt and he didn't even get a cool ride out of the deal, no Mother's Day bouquet for you!
7. That Mom Who Dressed Her 3-Year-Old Up Like A Whore On TV - We'd like Wendy Dickey to basically hold this spot for all the pageant moms who make their daughters slut it up in Comfort Inn conference rooms across the nation, providing them with a childhood that's just a notch better than being sold to the circus (though with just as many bearded ladies). We're glad our mom decided we were too fat to make it on the pageant circuit so that we could discover our inner whore in our own time.
6. Courtney Love - "Mom, everyone says you might have killed my Dad, and even if you didn't they say he wrote your best songs." "Who was your Dad again?" This is the kind of conversation we never had to have with our mom. While we'd be pretty excited to find out our mom was responsible for Live Through This, our excitement would wane when she started tweeting sexually explicit rumors about us. Thank you, Mom, for never making us sue you for control of the rights to our dead father's image.
5. Jenelle Evans - We think far less of the mothers who allow their pregnant daughters to appear on Teen Mom than we do the teen moms themselves. But if you have a new baby and a boob job all before you're old enough to drink, motherhood might not be your top priority. Jenelle makes us happy our mom waited until we were in kindergarten before she started ignoring us to focus on her rack.
4. Dina Lohan - Dina is both mother and sometime manager to a America's favorite drug-fueled flameout, Lindsay Lohan. Based on the state of Lindsay's career, we're tempted to say we'd pick Dina to be our mother over our manager if we were forced to choose. Now that Dina is writing a memoir of Lindsay's addiction and profiting off her daughter's downfall, we're not only glad to have our mom but we kind of wish our mom would go beat up Lindsay's mom.
3. Snooki - Not to be confused with the tanning mom at the start of the list, this one is far more dangerous as she has invited parts of The Situation inside her person. Snooki's baby isn't born yet so we couldn't in good conscience put her at number 1, even though we're certain she's got a lock on that spot for next year. We'd rather be raised by wolves, assuming the wolves were sober.
2. Hitler's Mom - You seriously suck at being a mom, Klara Hitler! While today's parents of Millennials are being accused of too much "helicopter parenting," giving their kids way too much attention and trying to fix all their problems, it's safe to say you could have been a little more hands-on in the supervision of little Adolf. While this might be a controversial stance, we are sorry to say that you, Mrs. Hitler, will not be celebrated this Mother's Day.
1. Nadya "Octomom" Suleman - This was a close finish, but after reading up on all the facts and doing some compare and contrast, Nadya Suleman just narrowly managed to edge out Klara Hitler for the top spot. When deciding to shoot a solo masturbation porn flick to provide for your family is one of your more responsible acts, you're not just a terrible mom, you're the Octomom. Nadya's story makes us grateful that we have a mom who never did porn, or if she did she made sure the product was crappy enough that we haven't come across it online yet. Congrats Nadya, and sorry Mrs. Hitler, but you should have worked on getting a catchy, media-friendly nickname before you died of cancer in 1907 (if that's wrong, blame Wikipedia).