Are you planning to thank your mother for giving you life this Mother's Day? Stop being such a boring disappointment, and thank her for one of these original things instead.
This year, don't get your mom a dumb gift. She'll probably hate it and hate you for having terrible taste. (via Thinkstock)
Your mom has given you so much more than life — so why do you always spend Mother's Day just thanking mom for giving birth to you? Here are five totally original things your mom gave to you that you can thank her for this year.
1. Your sense of constant, crushing anxiety.
Your mom did a great job worrying about things that would never, ever be a problem — and she did such a great job at passing that lesson on to you. Thank her for that time she stopped you from talking to the mailman because she thought he could be a child molester, or all the times she turned the car around on vacation just to make sure the house was locked, or that special time when you were three and she taught you how to use a fire extinguisher because "Someday mommy might pass out and need you to save us both."
2. That scar on your knee from the time she accidentally dropped you on the heater grate.
Yeah, remind her of that on Mother's Day; that's a really good idea. Maybe also reminder her about that time she revealed to you years later that she was drunk when she dropped you on the grate and it made her quit drinking for two years because she recognized that your life was a small fire, burning in the darkness, that she could accidentally snuff out with just one wrong move. Yup, definitely thank her for that.
3. Your inability to trust romantic partners.
So many of the things we thank mothers for come from early in our lives — switch things up by thanking mom for something more recent! Let your mother know that her constant shroud of grief and vocal distrust of men after your parents' divorce has left you unable to fully give yourself to any relationship.
4. Feeling like you have never, ever, ever done enough.
The best parents know that the way to really teach children is with actions, not words. That's why even though mom always praised you and told you that you exceeded expectations, she showed you through her actions that you can never provide enough to your loved ones and must always be cooking, cleaning, caring, or earning money in order to be considered "enough." A fun way to thank her for this is to go to her house, offer to do the dishes, and see how she silently squirms with guilt because she's not doing them herself!
5. Your dog, Francine.
Thank your mom for the dog that she gave you for your 8th birthday, the dog that you loved dearly until your mom accidentally ran over it and blamed your dad. This Mother's Day, tell her that you know that she was the one who did it, and let her know you'll never forget.