Here's the latest scoop on all the new gadgets you're going to need to be OK with yourself.
Tomorrow is the latest highly-anticipated Apple event. The rumor mill has been churning for weeks, whipping the hordes of Apple fans around the world into a frothy rich applesauce of anticipation. Many exciting new products are expected to be announced, and we have the freshest info on what they may be. These items aren't confirmed, but no matter what Apple announces tomorrow, one thing is for sure: you're going to have to buy them, or else you'll be a pathetic excuse for a human being. Here are the likeliest gadgets:
1. iPhone 6S.
New features: "Force touch" pressure-sensitive screen, 12-megapixel camera with 4K video, lighter and stronger shell.
Why you need it: Your iPhone 6 isn't the newest anymore. Smash it with a hammer and upgrade.
2. iPhone 6S Plus.
New features: All the same features as the 6S with a larger screen.
Why you need it: It's bigger! Get the 6S and smash it and then get this.
3. iPad Pro
New features: Larger 13-inch screen, stylus compatibility.
Why you need it: It's the Pro model. Aren't you a professional? If you have a regular iPad, you're basically unemployed now. Freeloader.
4. Apple TV
New features: Improved remote, voice recognition with Siri, video game capability.
Why you need it: The new Apple TV will cost $149, unlike the current $99 model. That means it has to be 50% better, and that you're a cheap bastard if you don't get it.
New features: Control of household devices (lights, thermostat, etc…)
Why you need it: Your house is old and stupid. You need to replace everything in there so your virtual wife Siri can turn them on for you. If you have a flesh wife, get rid of her. The new Siri is hotter and better.