Apple just concluded its epic 2-hour event, and a lot of new products were announced. By law, you'll have to buy them all, so we took notes on the entire thing. If you just want the highlights, we've bolded the most important updates. But that's just for casual Apple fans (losers).
1:03 – Tim Cook takes the stage in a button-down shirt. When will he be confident enough to don Jobs's turtleneck?
1:05 – He's talking about the Apple Watch. Customer satisfaction is at 97%, unless the customers just found it awkward to click "no" on the Apple Watch.
1:08 – Facebook Messenger is coming to the Apple Watch. God help us all.
1:09 – Some guys are talking about Airstrip. It's been several minutes and they haven't explained what it does.
1:10 – OK, it's a messaging app for doctors that works on the Apple Watch. Why don't they just use Facebook Messenger? That has stickers.
1:13 – Now the Apple Watch comes with fancy bands. I'm guessing from all this wheel-spinning that they don't have the iPhone ready.
1:19 – Now Cook is talking about iPads. He says it's the biggest news since the launch of the iPad. It had better be.
1:21 – Phil Schiller is here to schill the iPad Pro.
1:24 – The iPad Pro has a 12.9" screen and more pixels than the 15" MacBook Pro with Retina display. If you just bought one of those, sucks to be you.
1:27 – It also has 10 hours of battery life, a major improvement over the previous iPad's 35 seconds.
1:29 – The keyboard accessory attaches with a new connector technology, because Apple hasn't gone through enough of those recently. Time to throw out those Lightning cables.
1:32 – Oh yeah, Jony Ive's silky tones are here to tell us about the stylus (sorry, Pencil).
1:35 – There's a drawing app called ProCreate. Yuk yuk yuk yuk…
1:36 – Whaaat?! It's a guy from Microsoft! Get that heathen off the stage!
1:42 – A guy from Adobe is explaining how Photoshop can add smiles to pictures. Big Brother is real.
1:45 – More stuff about medical apps. Boring! We don't want to think about our mortality, we want gizmos!
1:50 – The iPad Pro starts at $800 for the base model and goes up to a billion dollars. The Smart Keyboard is another $169, and the Pencil costs $99. I bet you never thought you'd spend that much on a pencil, right? Or buy a pencil again.
1:54 – Tim Cook is talking about TV (AKA 20th century iPads).
1:56 – Cook warns us he's going to be "provocative," then says that the future of TV is apps. Consider us provoked.
1:57 – You can control the new Apple TV by talking to Siri. But what if she disagrees with you on what to watch?
2:00 – The new remote has a touch panel on it. Finally, the last part of your life that didn't involve swiping now involves swiping.
2:02 – You can search across different apps for the same shows and movies. All snark aside, that's the most useful thing ever. We need this.
2:03 – There are video screensavers now. This is the least useful thing ever.
2:07 – This woman just asked Siri who stars in Paddington. Ummmm… a bear?!
2:10 – You can play games on Apple TV now. That's good, because there aren't any other machines you can use to play video games on your TV.
2:12 – Two Australian guys are demo-ing some ripoff Frogger game and keep dying. This event is finally getting fun.
2:15 – One of the guys behind Rock Band is explaining how you can play games by swinging the remote like on the Wii. Welcome back to 2007!
2:18 – You can shop from your TV too. Forget 2007, we're back in the 80s now.
2:22 – The Apple TV has live streaming sports with notifications and live stats. This device will end many marriages.
2:24 – It starts at $149 for the 32 GB model, or $199 for the 64 GB. You can also still buy the current Apple TV for $69 if you're a pauper.
2:25 – Finally, the iPhone! I haven't exhaled in 90 minutes.
2:29 – The iPhone 6s and 6s Plus are here. Their tagline: "The only thing that's changed is everything." Cute.
2:29 – Phil is back. These are the most advanced iPhones yet. We should hope so.
2:30 – These iPhones are made of a new aluminum alloy, the same used by the aerospace industry. Good news if you want to launch your phone into orbit.
2:30 – There's a new color: Rose Gold. Incidentally, that was my bubbe's name.
2:31 – 3D Touch is the new big feature. The phone knows how hard you're touching the screen, so you can control it more precisely by alternating soft caresses and forceful pushes – like a lover.
2:39 – There's a hotkey to open the front-facing cameras for "emergency selfies." If you need this, you should be ashamed of yourself.
2:44 – The A9 is the most advanced chip ever in a smartphone, and it's optimized for gaming. It's like a tiny iPad Pro (Remember that thing?)
2:46 – The iPhone 6s has a 12 megapixel iSight camera, 50% more pixels than before. It will take clearer photos of your thumb than ever before.
2:48 – The camera sensor is all about accurate color. Your photos will look exactly like they did in real life until you put an Instagram filter on them.
2:51 – The iPhone camera takes 4K video too. In fact, the last Hobbit movie was entirely filmed on one.
2:52 – The selfie camera has 5 megapixels. Time to get that facial scrub.
2:54 – Live Photos are another new feature. Your photos are actually short moving videos. Like in Harry Potter, but creepier.
2:56 – You can look at live photos on any Apple device or on Facebook. If you want to see them anywhere else, you don't deserve them.
2:58 – They're releasing a new Android app to help you migrate all your information to an iPhone if you want to switch. Major dis.
2:59 – All the devices announced today are environmentally friendly and recyclable. Nobody cares.
3:00 – The iPhone 6s and 6s Plus will cost $199 and $299 on contract. The 6 and 6 Plus will come down to $99 and $199. If you don't want to get a carrier contract, they come on an installment plan. Nobody is too broke to get these luxury devices!
3:02 – The new iPhones are available for preorder starting this Saturday, September 12.
3:03 – Tim Cook is back to show the new iPhone ad. The world begs him to end this event.
3:07 – Cook has One Republic playing him out. I guess we know whose album you won't be able to delete on the next iPhone.
3:20 – That's a wrap folks! Thus ends the most magical two and a half hours of all our lives. Now go take out another mortgage so you can afford all this new gear.