Comedian takes out full-page ad for open letter to town that gave him an absurd parking ticket.

Comedian takes out full-page ad for open letter to town that gave him an absurd parking ticket.
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...in Chapter One under "F%#k You Don't Steal My Money" in Section 8.215 it says, "F%#k you don't steal my money."

Comedian takes out full-page ad for open letter to town that gave him an absurd parking ticket.

Rest of letter and full transcription below. (via reddit)

Taking money from comedian Eugene Mirman is not a good idea. The stand-up and voice of Gene on Bob's Burgers is well known for his open letters to such infamous money-stealers as Time Warner Cable. This week, Mirman has penned a viral open letter to a new kind of target: greedy tourist trap village police. We all know that visiting seaside tourist towns is a trade in which you receive good food, scenic views, and invigorating salt air in exchange for forking over all your money for said good food, sub-par fudge, and amateur sunset paintings. One such tourist trap is the absurdly adorable town of Portsmouth, NH. Just look at this f%#king place:

We are all fine with that. What we're not fine with, and what prompted Mirman to take out this full-page ad in the 2015 edition of the Seacoast Summer Guide (your complete guide to coastal New Hampshire's summer offerings), is getting fined for no reason when towns that can't hack it on tourism and their own citizen's productivity alone decide to fatten their coffers with byzantine laws and fines no one could know about. Like making it illegal to park with the rear of your car facing the curb:

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Comedian takes out full-page ad for open letter to town that gave him an absurd parking ticket.

Thank you for keeping the lost art of angry letter-writing alive, Eugene. (via reddit)

Here's the full text of the letter:

Dear Portsmouth, NH and Especially the Parking Clerk's Office,

Jast June I had a wonderful day walking around in your historic downtown with my girlfriend. I bought two puppets, who turned out to be gay. Just kidding, they're puppets. We stopped in cute shops, ate a popover, and saw Black David Cross. It was nice.

Then — when we returned to our car on my windshield was a ticket. "What could this possibly be for?" I thought. I paid for three hours of parking (but only used two — you're welcome, Portsmouth). Is it a crime in Portsmouth to not use all the parking you bought? How'd you know I'd be back early? Do you have a PreCrime division? Why are your PreCogs working on traffic tickets? Shouldn't they be out preventing Street Performers before they happen? But, no. I read the violation — we backed into a spot and were fined $15 for being "parked in wrong direction."

What kind of a horsesh{replace9}amp;t charge is that? It's illegal to back into a spot? Before I embarrass myself, I want to make sure that Portsmouth is still inside the United States and not considered a part of Iran?

You're probably thinking, "Well, if before visiting Portsmouth, like everyone else — you'd simply first gone to the City Clerk's Office website, clicked on City of Portsmouth Ordinances and looked in Chapter Seven — Vehicles, Traffic and Parking. Right there in section 7.316: BACK TO THE CURB it says 'No vehicle shall remain backed up to the curb.'" Similarly, if you had gone to my website before I came to your city and clicked on Eugene's Ordinances, you'd know that in Chapter One under "F%#k You Don't Steal My Money" in section 8.215 it says, "F%#k you don't steal my money."

But even if I had gone to your website — it states that the online ordinances are not an official copy — that for the official ordinances, I have to call 610-7245. Why no area code? Am I calling from a local payphone in 1986? But instead, I foolishly looked around for signs, both real and from God. I saw nothing, but I heard God's voice, and he said, "This is f%#king bull{replace9}amp;t. You need to write them a letter."

Lastly, as you know, New Hampshire's state motto is General John Stark's celebrated quote, "Live Free or Die," which he famously said before attempting the first recorded self-BJ. If John Stark was alive today, he would be 287 years old — also, right after learning about cars, General Stark would then be disgusted to discover that Portsmouth doesn't even give people the freedom to back into a spot — which by your own state's twisted logic, turns my $15 ticket — into a fight to the death.

With Great Disappointment In You,

Eugene Mirman
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Related: Comedian takes out full-page ad to compare Time Warner Cable to Joseph Stalin and Jeffrey Dahmer.

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