Don't go nuts worrying about why you're still single when everyone around you is already paired off. Here are ten perfectly logical reasons to explain why you still haven't found The One.
10. You are a pyromaniac, and your love of fire is stronger than your love for a significant other could ever be. People you’ve dated have pleaded with you to give them priority over your next flame, and you’ve tried. But eventually you set fire to their house and they end it with you.
9. You are deceased. Better get used to those weekends laying around by yourself with nothing but your own rot to keep you company. Since death is a yawning, blank void, most dead people go through a serious, eternity-long dry spell dating-wise.
8. You are trapped at the bottom of a well. You’ve been there for years and you gave up screaming for help long ago. It’s hard to find that special someone when your only social interaction never extends beyond the occasional conversation with a squirrel that lost its footing and fell in.
7. You were on one of those cruise ships that turned into a giant, festering toilet and amidst the panic some things went down that made you unable to ever trust humans again. You won’t be doing anyone any good by trying to jump into the dating scene when the screams of your fellow passengers are still ringing in your ear. Emotionally, you’re still at sea. Take as long as you need to bring that ship to the dock.
6. You still say “amazeballs” a lot. There’s only so much a potential lover can ignore.
5. Every morning when you leave for work, you find an anonymous note under your windshield wiper that reads, “Wait for me, my love. I will come for you. We will be together soon.” You don’t know who it’s from, or even if the author has the correct car, but you’re holding out for the possibility that he or she really will come for you, and that he or she is hot.
4. You keep thinking that your special someone is waiting for you just around the corner but he or she is never there and also you are lost in a hedge maze. Jesus, you could die in there! Forget dating for now. Just try and retrace your steps.
3. You were abducted by an alien craft many years ago. When you’re surrounded by a race of life forms with a different concept of genitals than yours, and you spend all day being experimented on, you don’t have many opportunities to find that special someone. The one plus, though, is you’ve been on the ship for forty years, but you haven’t aged a day!
2. Your favorite movie is Fight Club and you quote it frequently. Your potential mates will refuse to date you solely to make sure that you never reproduce.
1. You are fulfilled by your work, family, and charitable activities, and you haven’t met the right person to introduce into your already-happy life. Look, if you’re not even going to try and take this seriously…
(by Bob Powers)